Ever Decreasing Circles part three

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 04:37

Nice one brother.

My best wishes.

Bazza

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 08:27

Great news, so pleased for you !

Fiona. x

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 09:01

Thanks everyone for your kind words. The rollercoaster continues, it is rarely dull! I meant to say yesterday that I had been reading some of the blogs which Oliver Sachs wrote on death and dying before his death recently. Some words he wrote struck a chord with me over the recent weeks. He said:

'I could deny it before, but I know I am ill now'

Though I have never denied the reality of my diagnosis what struck me was that my recent problems with my right leg was the first time I had something I could identify which was directly related to the cancer. All the things I struggle with - tiredness, sore nipples, flushes, fatigue, self catherisation, etc - are a consequence of the treatments I receive. Suddenly I had extreme pain which was a one-to-one connection with the cancer. I could see it on my bone scan and feel it in my leg. The words of Sachs were so relevant. I know we can suffer from pain and I will do again as the cancer moves on but often it feels like a silent killer. There in my system but quiet and unobtrusive. At those times it is easy to believe it does not really exist but I have always tried to resist that as I know it is there. This time I got a proper reminder.

All this leads me on to a decision I have made in recent weeks. Friends on here will know I had decided to try and stay at work until I passed away allowing my children to benefit from death in service benefits. I love my work and could not see me retiring. I have been strong about this for most of the three and a half years of this struggle. However the timeline has been mercifully longer than I could have anticipated and I find myself moving towards a natural retirement age. Maybe after all I could retire. The fatigue and now the leg pain hastened that decision plus a few issues with work. So after nearly six months of, at times, tense negotiations and not really achieving what I wanted financially I have agreed to step down probably from next April. This is such a big decision for me but it has been helped by a role I have recently taken up which, though unpaid, will allow me to continue to engage in the working world I know and love. My university are allowing me some space to develop this role whilst still working and so I am grateful for that. I am hoping that there will be some time to enjoy this retirement when it comes and am so relieved that my children are fully behind me doing this as it will impact on what I can give to them.

This is a big move for me and I need to prepare myself thoroughly over the next eight months, I just hope I can stay well whilst making this transition.

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 09:31

Hi Paul,

Throughout my life there have been three consistent things which all men have said to me:

1 - 'I wished I had worked harder while I was at school'. I have never met a man who said he was too much of a swot and wished he had spent more time bunking off with girls behind the bike sheds.

2 - 'I should have spent more time with the children as they were growing up'. I have never met a man who said he should have spent more time at work developing his career!

3 - 'Retirement is great, I should have done it years ago'. I have never met a man who thought he retired too soon.

So my advice is to go for retirement, enjoy it's pleasures, you can get up when you want, do what you want, and sleep when you want.

As Karl Marx said 'If work was good for you, the rich would have found a way of keeping it to themselves'.

Dave

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 10:14

Thanks for the thoughts Dave. I guess I have a particular attitude to work-life balance. I don't like the concept as I don't have a division in my life which conforms to that divide. It sets one up against the other. I try to encompass what I believe in and what I think is important. So I was a single parent when my kids were just 2 and 4 and now they are 32 and 34 and I have never stinted on the time I spend with them. But I realised early on when on my own that the work I did was important too and so I worked hard at both endeavours probably at the expense of a love life if I am honest but otherwise it was such a fulfilling time.

I still believe there are things in my work life I want to influence. My daughter said to me when I told her I was considering retirement that 'I am worried you will just sit and home and go downhill'. That is a real worry and I take her point hence fortunate to have one outlet already.

I know I will have more time and I have to learn how to use it. My day is smaller though, I am too tired to pack in as much as I used to do. So having less in my day will help that. Whilst I need to plan for the change I also need to plan knowing the time frame is small, one or two years maybe a little more? How you tackle that is not easy and will be exercising my thinking until next April! Any guidance helpful!

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 15:02

Hi Paul
I'm relatively new as you know , but I can read that you are a very intelligent , motivated hard-working person with a long satisfying career . I was unfortunate enough to have to retire at the age of 46 after 28 years solid hard work in my life . Quite a step down and something i'm essentially still reeling from ( aswell as the PCa ). I've become a full time house-husband and I am very very busy to be honest ( the old adage " I don't know how I found time to work " ). I'm quite an unmotivated person so its been a difficult transition . What do I miss most ?? Personal interaction , " the laugh " , working as a team , solving the problem , the drink on the way home .
For what my advice may be worth , you don't seem to be the type of man at all who would get bored or sit at home or fester . You seem the kind of guy who makes the most out of every situation . If you were bored you would read and learn even more . Your children are grown adults who have made their own lives ?? They aren't relying on what you can leave them ? I keep asking my parents to enjoy " now " and release some equity from their home instead of sitting on it , to give to us one day .
Difficult to leave work -- undoubtedly . But sounds like now is the time to start enjoying a retirement given your health circumstances. Everyone deserves a retirement and I think you will enjoy it with patience .
Chris

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 18:56

Hi Paul,

I had a dynamic, exciting and demanding career. Like you I used to jet off to places like Hong Kong to work with our partner organisations where my skills and experience were highly valued (or so my ego told me).

Now looking back on it, the great demands and dilemas of my working life have faded into insignificance, and I am reminded of the old quote that 'the graveyard is full of indispensible men'!

Today, because the sun was shining, with my wife and step-son, I decided to go to Holkham beach and had a 7 mile walk with lunch half way round, we enjoyed it, we chatted, we had a good time, and it helped improve my fitness. Because I am retired I can do it on days like this, and don't have to compete for car park spaces with the crowds who will throng there this weekend.

Tomorrow I am childminding my grandchildren, I will spend the morning watching over my grandson at 'todler group' and learning wisdom and insight chatting to young mums.

I have just bought an airfix kit, (remember them?) and so next week I will make the toy plane for my grandson.

I also have a half redecorated bathroom, a herbaceous border to sort out, a batch of library books to read before next Monday, and my other half wants me to arrange a trip to Canada.

So lots of things to keep me busy, I am still living and learning, doing my best to develop those two great gifts of enthusiasm and sponteneity.

Our lives are like books, and the best books have many chapters, so don't be affraid to turn the page and start a new chapter.

Dave

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 20:07

Lots of good,helpful, relevant advice there Paul and I agree with it all.

You have had your children under your wing for 30 years and I bet you've done a brilliant job of bringing them up single handedly. This is your time now, more precious than it usually is at retirement due to its limits.

You wont sit at home and stagnate, and even when the time comes that physical activity lessens, you'll still keep that brain exercised.

Make a list of the things you want most from this early release. Put the more strenuous, physical ones at the top so that you can do them while you can.

Do the things that you enjoy.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 20:11

Hhhhhmmm, I know how important that death in service benefit was in your calculations so I hope that you did finally get a decent package - it isn't clear from your post whether you have been worn down or not. So now I am a bit worried for you but on the up side you can finish the book and if things get really tight the cricket club might pay you to be the scorer .... I think at our place the going rate is £15 per match

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 20:28

Paul

I am almost relieved to hear that you have reached this decision. Your work life balance has been admiarble. You will be so occupied in retirement you will have much less time on your hands than you imagined!

Book writing, travels, being with your family and advising in your profession. You might even find time to go to more cricket! sod scoring you would make a brilliant TV comentator with Bumble or Sir Ian !!

Hope to see you soon, we can compare solo retirement strategies

All my best wishes and an understanding hug

xxx

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 20:52

This is so weird but I had a premonition that you were going to say this Paul, I can totally identify with your saying that the Cancer was like some silent partner like a sleeping tiger that was just letting you make choices irrespective of your diagnosis and know it has shown you that IF IT WAKES just what it is capable of . I totally get your decision life is about choices and when our choices are made because of outside factors then they are not so easy to swallow. Remember our dear friend TG "Life is about living" well whatever makes you happy is the right choice.

BFN

Julie x

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 22:50

Have been out for the evening so not been able to respond to some lovely and challenging posts. I won't retire until April, ample time to get my head round retirement possibilities and I do have a novel to finish as Lyn correctly reminds me. I have not got a great financial deal for my retirement but for lots of reasons the time seems right. I have been given time at work over the next eight months to do some academic writing projects and focus on a new role I have been elected to, Chair of the national Probation Institute and this is very much around my professional experience and knowledge.

I stepped down as head of the Research Centre I have run for 13 years on Monday which was strange and difficult but which creates the space to do other things, the uni have been great at helping me with this so feel quite privileged. Once I have got used to these changes I think I can enjoy the next few months and probably feel less tired.

Sandra talked about putting the more strenuous, physical tasks at the top of the list which made me smile. My biggest challenge is physical tasks of any kind, even walking anywhere has become more and more difficult. I guess I will be prioritising those things which don't demand much physical activity as unlikely to be able to manage those. So maybe cricket scoring is on, Lyn though did that for so long I think I might just watch.

I suppose my job which is mainly using my mind has allowed me to work longer than a more physically demanding job could have done. I have found my physical weaknesses have challenged me more and more and there are things I simply cannot do now. My image of 'ever decreasing circles' applies here. I accept restrictions and over time these might increase. I do not worry about this as I expect this to happen but as long as I can keep myself mentally active then I can remain engaged and fulfilled.

Yes lots to do and family and friends to create memories with. I hVe rambled on not because I am depressed about the change just to draw out my strategy and thinking aloud helps.

I really appreciate all the thoughts and ideas. Thanks!

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 00:47

Paul,

I just wanted to wish you all the best for your future plans. I'm sure you will be happy when you get used to your new lifestyle after April.

You've made a good decision. I only wish I could only make my mind up about an important step in my life, it too easy to put it off till another day. I'm sure I'll regret the delay very soon.

Take care.

Steve

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 16:39

Paul, I apologise, I didn't realise that ANY physical activity was challenging.

At the risk of offending you (again) would you be totally against zipping around on a scooter so that you can really conserve what energy you have?

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 17:51

Please don' t apologise Sandra, I wasn't offended at all. I have found walking challenging something I used to enjoy so much. Some of that problem has eased with the improvement in my right leg but there is still pain when I walk. I have joked with my son about a motorised scooter so not a far fetched idea at all. I am more mobile than that for now and can do a credible impression of being fine when I am in company. I tended to lecture sitting down when in Hong Kong recently but when I give a speech I am still on my feet moving around. I may pay for it the next day but I get more adrenalin for the speech when standing.

I have managed my issues ok so far. I get around in the car a lot and now have a blue badge which helps. I struggle up hills and upstairs but I get there. One thing that keeps me going is when I visit my 92 year old Mum who has just had a hip operation. She is unaware of my situation so I suddenly have to appear completely ok, the other day she said to me that I could use her blue badge when coming to the hospital with her, I decided not to tell her I already have one!

Luckily lots of the things I like - reading, dining out, watching sports, theatre and films, seeing the countryside, being with family and friends - can mostly be accomplished without too much physical activity. But if and when the scooter becomes necessary I will embrace the freedom it might give me to 'walk' rather than drive!

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 20:28

Paul you know what is right for you and you have made your decision. I know you will make sure you will continue to make many happy memories and do the things you love....I saw this quote by Bob Marley....

"Money is numbers and numbers never end.
If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end".

Speak soon

Bri

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 21:02

nice one Bri

User

Posted 25 Sep 2015 at 19:16

Paul

Personally I'm very pleased to read that you have decided to retire from your post, I know how much your work means to you but I also know that you will continue to contribute in so many other ways. Like many have said, it won't be long before you'll wonder how on earth you found time to go to work.

A sensible choice. John left work almost immediately upon diagnosis (he had spent 46 years in the RAF and didn't even get a thank you). In truth he hasn't felt well enough for much of that time to do anything other than potter, he had great plans of course, but the HT caused such severe fatigue that he has not been able to do the things he had hoped to do, he is though, concentrating on his model train set now at last, I can't wait to hear the sound of the train on track after 25 years of collecting the makings of it.

Lots of love

Allison

User

Posted 26 Sep 2015 at 09:50

Thanks Allison I appreciate your thoughts. I do have over seven months to begin to wind down, to build up other things to do and get used to the idea in my head. I just hope I can stay reasonably well until next Spring so I can enjoy a bit of 'me' time. I do have the novel to work on and will stay involved in a voluntary capacity with some work which helps the transition. But after months of deliberations the dye is cast. So onwards and upwards.

User

Posted 06 Oct 2015 at 09:40

Had urology appointment today with a new person after the problems earlier in the year! Although my PCa treatment is now under an oncologist I wanted to maintain links with urology for my anciliary issues around urinary tract infections and self catherisation. So as if on cue, on Saturday for the first time in about four months I get a UTI! So back to the anti biotics. This led to a useful conversation with my new uro, who I liked a lot, about the issue of becoming resistant to the anti biotics over time. I take a prophylactic dose daily and now seemingly every three to four months I get a UTI and thus a full blast of the same anti biotic. He is worried that over time resistance will grow. We agreed to trial coming off the prophylactic dose in the new year once my visits to Hong Kong are over as the last thing I want is the drag down that UTI's bring me when I get one. But then might try it to see if UTI becomes more frequent again.

intermittent self catherisation to remain as twice a day for now and he was happy with that regime. So a good road test for my 'uro' complaints and someone who gave me time and discussed the issues in some depth. Just got to get rid of this UTI now before returning to HK in late October.

Edited by member 09 Oct 2015 at 17:29 | Reason: Not specified

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