Starting Over

User

Posted 02 Apr 2015 at 00:47

Mo, you should never hesitate to post what you are thinking and feeling - you are so far from home but I hope you know that we are only a heartbeat away x

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 02 Apr 2015 at 01:39

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

This is not what I was going to post, but thinking of you as always SS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

BFN

Julie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Julie you are without a doubt my SS

User

Posted 02 Apr 2015 at 23:28

Our last day in Hawaii today, just popped back to the condo to check in for our flights tomorrow. For me a very long day sitting around at airports and waiiting initially and then running between gates with only 45 mins between leaving one flight and connecting to the one through to Atlanta and my family in Georgia. Once there I have some big decisions to make, some I have to make soon as some of you already know following receipt of the awful news about the death of my elder sister Jen yesterday. Very sudden and unexpected another crunching blow in my life and for my whole family. She was only 69 and was my unofficial Mum through all of my early years before she left home to marry aged 19 and passed that role down to my other older siblings, me being the baby of the family. My heart bleeds for her Husband of 50 years, an annniversary we all celebrated in October last year.

Other decisions are more about me and how I take my life into the next new normal for me after all I am only 57. I have been offered a new volunteer role at the hospice and also have the chance to go back to work on a part time basis. Do I stay put in the bungalow on the outskirts of Lincoln that I shared with Mick for 9 years after our move from Milton Keynes or do I start out somewhere new? A whole lot of other smaller things that are all interlinked like a spider web having dependencies upon each other. One bad decision for one thing and the whole plan becomes spoiled.

I will sit by Mick's tree and mull things over,soon it will be a whole year since he died and I promised myself I would make no major decisions before then. I hate it that I talk to him but he doesn't answer me Back. He once had a very tacky t shirt that said "I have not spoken to my wife in days" across the front and then on the back it said "I can't get a word in edgeways" it made everyone that knew us laugh especially when they found out I bought it for him mostly as a self deprecating joke. I am good at those.

It is quite incredible the number of things that have come into my mind while I have been sat on the balcony listening to the splish splash of the ocean below. Watching the whales blow , off in the distance, the turtles swim by right below and the amazing sunsets night after night.

Mostly happy and funny things and because of Jen some sad ones.

So here I go again another journey begins as I start over.

Edited by member 03 Apr 2015 at 00:37 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 00:22

Mo,

I'm so sorry to hear of your sad news. I find it really hard to find the right words to say. You have done so much to help others on this site in spite of having to cope with the loss of Mick. You don't deserve anymore heartache. I wish I could take your pain away.

We're all here for you.

Steve

xxx

User

Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 03:02

Mo , words from me may not help but I am sorry that you have had to bear so much pain. Life is difficult to understand that is for sure. The sound of the ocean seems to alway help me get things into perspective I hope this helps you also. You have some big decisions to make soon. Starting over must be a daunting prospect but you are a strong, resilient woman by all accounts. Take it easy and I am sure you will decide wisely . At 57 you have many, many more years of life to look forward to and I wish you well. Cheers Georgina

User

Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 09:00

My sincere condolences Mandy, on the loss of Jen, I can only imagine how hard this is being so far away, even harder than if you were here and could at least do something. It's been a rough ride for you, the year of Mick's illness was traumatic in the extreme and now this. I know you didn't really want to make this journey to the States but it does sound as though, despite this latest sadness, it has given you the opportunity to mull over ideas for what is next for you. You are a dynamic, amazing, wonderful person, articulate and kind but never patronising, you have a great future ahead, you have so much to give and are still young enough to do it. I totally agree about waiting a year before making any big decisions, as you know my sister made hers in haste and came to regret many of them. Time may not heal but it can give perspective.

My dear friend, I hope you can feel this hug from across the ocean blue.

Allison xxxxx

User

Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 09:19

So sorry to hear of your loss, thinking of you.

Thanks. Chris and Dawn

User

Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 09:53

As I said further up, we are only a heartbeat away from you. I am a great believer that the really dreadful hand is only given to the people strong enough to bear the load. This is a tragedy for everyone involved but knowing something of you, I worry that you will come home and move straight into that 'supporting everyone else' role that has been your default for so long.

As for the other stuff, let it wait Mo. I am pretty sure we will all mull it over together at MOTS.

You are on my mind x

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 20:17

Mandy Mo,

What a time you are having , life can be so very hard and Jen's death coming so soon after Mick you have barely been able to draw breath before you have been knocked down again. I know that you will get through this but I also know this is another blow before you have properly dealt with Mick's passing.

I know that you are heading to Atlanta at least there among family you can allow your thoughts and feelings to come to the surface. As you said you can sit awhile at Mick's tree , he won't be able to answer you but I am sure he will hear you. I think this will make you feel a bit more at peace.

As for making your new decisions don't rush yourself , I think that you maybe needed more time anyway and this is why you felt low at the thought of change. I read somewhere once that the first stage of grief can be anything up to 5 years and I would agree with that . Not that I am suggesting you should wait 5 years because you will be at least 36 . http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-wink.gif

We all care and are thinking of you, you are one special lady . I will never understand why some people can sail through life with no trauma, nothing out of the ordinary happening and others just seem to get one knock after another.

Stay strong SS , sit with Mick for a while and let the love from all of us wash over you.

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 20:41

I am so sorry to hear of the death of your sister. Please accept my sincerest condolences.

User

Posted 03 Apr 2015 at 22:06

Hello Mo,

So sorry about Jen.

dave

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 08:05

I am in the air now on my way to Atlanta, amazing I can access the forum from here when so many have had problems on terra firma.

I am so grateful for all the wonderful and supportive messages from everyone both on here and via email or fb it means more than any of you will ever know.

There has to be a post mortem on Wednesday but the coroner has given my family permission to go ahead with the funeral arrangements so I am now trying to get flights sorted out so that I can get home in time.

Just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate you.

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 08:41

Oh Mo

I have been thinking about you since I read your post yesterday what can I say sometimes words aren't enough wish I could give you a big HUGG .

I know you are a strong woman but please let the tears fall you need to let it all out.

As for all the things you need to sort out it's to early Mo Julie Lynn Si will help you when its time.

As for talking to Mick and he dosent answer back I know that feeling .

When you mentioned the tee shirt made me think about Eric's his was WIFE FOR SALE.

I know how much you are hurting right now and it wont go away anytime soon but somehow we manage to cope.

Thinking of you .

Carol xx

I know you have family to talk to about what the new normal should be but sometimes they are to close. thats why I said the girls will help you with this sorry Si for calling you one of the girls.

Edited by member 04 Apr 2015 at 09:27 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 10:03

Carol, you pop up every so often with exactly the right thing to say. What can we do to persuade you to one of our get togethers sometime? I would love to give you a hug x

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 10:41

Hi Mandy,

I have always said to Ness when i have gone http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-cry.gif follow your dreams and the memories will follow you X

But going back part-time, if that is London forget it http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-cry.gif

Carol, after 30 months on HT you got it right, i feel like one of the girls http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-cry.gif

Safe journey Mo will talk when you are settled in again.

XXXX

Don't deny the diagnosis; try to defy the verdict

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 11:45

Dear Mandy,

We were so shocked and saddened to hear of the tragic loss of your sister.

More sorrow for you to bear, and our hearts go out to you.

Thinking of you now, knowing that you will stay your positive strong self, even if your heart is breaking again.

But let those tears flow if they want to, please.

So so sorry Mo.

Sincere condolences,

George, Lynn & Katrina

xxx

B2PCa

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 12:12

The people who know you and those who don't have rallied as usual. But you need to take heed of their advice. It's less than a year since this awful disease took Mick and now this awful blow.

As others have said you have thrown everything into supporting others. Perhaps now is the time to reflect but not to make any rash decisions.

Thinking of you and hopefully you can feel all the virtual arms reaching out to give you hugs

Take care

Bri x

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 20:06

Dear Mo, sorry to hear your sad news. And I can imagine how difficult it is to be so far from home.

Interesting to hear Julie say it can take up to five years to find our new normal. I know I read when my first husband left me that it takes between two and five years to become the person we will be after any life changing event. As later this month it will be five years since I lost Mike I can look back and see how I have adapted my life to suit my needs, and with time it has been so much easier and straightforward. I imagine you will tackle your choices in a similar way and find a purpose that suits you.

Looking back I can say for me if I was unsure of an important decision I needed to make, where I could I waited until the answer came to me, and it did. Of course some decisions had to be made but little is irreversible or results too dreadful and there are lovely people around to offer advice and support. And I have done so much I would never have done, finding strength along the way, although giving in to tiredness when it has come along. Memories have become comfortable, I have got used to silently talking to Mike, often making decisions I know he would have suggested, somehow we just know what they would suggest, don't we? Initially feeling a little guilty if I chose a path he wouldn't have done, and smiling triumphantly when it worked! Learning from it when it didn't too.

Looking forward to catching up at the MOS in June.

Take care, Janet

Edited by member 04 Apr 2015 at 20:08 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 20:23

Mo, I am also adding my condolences on the loss of your sister.

As a fellow 57 year old I empathise with your feelings about where to go now and what to do. There have been times I havn't wanted to go on anymore but I have my dogs and they motivate me to get up and keep going. It is like making a life for myself that I have to have rather than the life I want which is with Neil which I can't have. I send you my love as always,

Fiona. x

User

Posted 04 Apr 2015 at 22:08

Hi Mo,

FWIW, Where to go now, what to do, decisions that if they have to be made, should be made so that they can be undone if necessary.

atb

dave

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