Each day a challenge

It's really good to hear that G's friends are happy to stay in touch and share their feelings, it's a credit to you that they feel able to do so. Never underestimate how helpful this is to them, and in turn I hope it helps you find a little purpose in life too. 

In time I've got to realise that people usually try their best to say the right thing, but it was so confusing in the early days, and some would cross the road, or suddenly dash up another aisle in the supermarket, rather than speak. After a couple of years of ignoring me some started to include me in social events again. I think, although I can't be sure, they thought I was okay by then and wouldn't cry or spoil the party! Luckily in the meantime I had found people I felt comfortable with to socialise and also found I was quite happy alone. Actually I have never felt alone as I often feel as though Mike is still with me, and talk to him in my mind. I also laugh at things he would have found amusing, which is a comfort. 

It's brilliant that your family are raising awareness and funds too. So much is needed, especially this year when income and the chance to raise awareness have been so much reduced. It is obvious G was a very much loved man and if you can reach out to people who maybe can donate a little (or a lot) then every man diagnosed or tested early may well be a man whose family doesn't have to go through what our families have been through.

If you ever do want to volunteer officially there are so many ways you could do, but you are already raising awareness and funds, and helping others here so I think you are already doing your bit. But really for now it is probably best to concentrate on catching up with your sleep and concentrating on your health - it really does matter and makes a difference. 

I agree about all the waste, but even pre Covid it wasn't much different. I had to take the medication to the pharmacy for disposal but as I was told all equipment, even unused equipment, would be destroyed I kept it. Over the years I was able to pass things on to people in need at the right time. 

Take care, and look after you, Janet, x

Today I accepted an invitation for coffee in a friends garden for the first time since G died and it was OK.  I did spend quite a lot of time in my own garden today - replanted the wall troughs that G used to do. I think he would approve.

Keeping busy helps I think. I will have to see how much I picked up  along the way when I come to do some decorating. 

We both really appreciated nature and took pleasure in the little things, just sitting watching tv together was a bonus when we knew he had little time left and that is what I miss so much.

Today a neighbour from three doors down asked me how he was. She was shocked and I am amazed she hadn't heard, when all my other neighbours knew. It took me aback but I suppose it will happen sometimes.     Each day continues to be a challenge but I hope G can see I am doing as well as I can.

Hi Gillyflower, I'm glad you're still here and posting. I know in an earlier post you said you may have to let go of this forum, but you don't have to. Remember this forum supports people who, have, had or are affected by PCa. You will always be in that category so you are always welcome.

The wider the cross section of our members the stronger this forum is in supporting all its members.Your and Janet's contributions can help partners see through the immediate sorrow and that there is some light at the other side.

I know it is still early days for you and there will be plenty of sorrow. I remember after I lost my father, going out on a sunny day, seeing people enjoying themselves, completely oblivious to my loss. It might sound strange but it made me happy that the world just carries on regardless of our problems. 

I'm in a similar position. I always stayed away from these kinds of threads because I find them upsetting and don't feel I have anything of value to add. But they are really helpful to people not familiar with 'end of life' issues.

Gillyflower, I'm really sorry for your loss of G.

So many true words, Gillyflower, and although we are all different, in some ways there are such similarities. 

In so many ways I feel you are coping much better than I did at your stage, and I understand entirely your feelings of guilt for sometimes getting through a day more easily than other days. I think that's how it is, I used to feel guilty as sometimes I felt my journey wasn't as hard as it should have been, but then a spell came where it was much harder. In time I learned to just let it be and know that the harder times would pass, and that it was okay to smile on the easier days. 

One thing I found helpful was reading about grief being a big hole you fall in to. Initially you can't get back out easily and need help. In time it becomes easier to scramble out, the hole doesn't seem quite so deep. Eventually you see the hole and walk around it. But I found often it was about three steps forward, then two steps back.

I found it frustrating that the doctors didn't talk about end of life issues and what to expect. I did know that Mike didn't want to talk but I did expect that someone would take me on one side and talk to me, but they didn't. If I asked I was told everyone's journey was different. 

I was happy to hear you spoke to your GP about some of the treatments and it helped. I did the same, and it helped me to know that Mike had lived longer than anyone had expected and that it was down to his sheer determination. Maybe she told me that because she thought it was what I wanted to hear but actually at the time it helped as things had gone downhill so quickly at the end I was confused about what had happened. In time I was so grateful he hadn't suffered more, because really until the last few weeks there was still so much quality and hope to his life.

Take care, Janet, x