Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life

Hi Steve,

Sorry i'm late with this, I had to find an old post of mine to paste here.
I thoroughly understand how badly you've been feeling.I have been there, and (damn it all...still visit there sometimes!)

This was my reply to someone undergoing the same dark times a while back:

I am so glad you posted about your depression.
So many guys won't admit it, but it is very common amongst members here.

When I was diagnosed in 2005 I was told I had only two or three years left, yet it didn't bring me down at all.
In fact, quite the opposite. I had a fire in my belly and an absolute determination to get through everything and prove that one particular doctor was a sadistic tosser.

I became as pro-active as you could possibly be in my treatment and in my dealings with consultants.

Yet, four years later, when all my results were good, RT had been a doddle, I'd finished HT after just 2 years, and life was good......I suddenly slid down into a deep black hole of depression.

Being the stubborn git that I am, I did NOT want to see any doctor about it, figuring I would find my own way out of the darkness.
I was wrong.

I endured 14 months of very deep depression. I didn't want to socialise, didn't even want to answer the phone, became very withdrawn and quiet. I couldn't even arrange our Leicester 'do' in 2009.

Finally I spoke to my oncologist (who is a good friend) and he wasn't at all surprised. He said he had expected depression to hit me much earlier. He recommended I see a pyschologist who specialised in cancer patients & depression.

I met her a few times, and she did get me to talk a little, but I felt more sessions wouldn't help.

Finally, I took the meds route. I got my GP to let me try four different types of anti-depressants over about six months, and finally I found one which actually worked for me.

Within a month of starting those pills, I felt myself coming back into the light.
It was like a miracle.

I didn't stay on them too long, but I do return to them every 18 months or so, because I am still prone to bouts of that damn depression.
But at least now, I recognise the signs soon, and I don't let it bring me down for long.

I think it's like our reaction to our cancer and our treatments - each one of is is unique.

Some people are able to throw themselves into activities and get through depression, other do find counselling works, but when you find yourself so deep down a dark hole that you can't function properly any more, it's time to do something.

Don't be stubborn like I was, go and actively seek a cure.

But most important of all, please don't try and cope with it alone if you find the dark periods lasting too long.

Our life is far too short to waste in in gloom, innit?

Start smiling soon, kiddo!

George

As George has openly admitted his own struggles I think you can see Steve it's far more common than people think. I don't believe anyone can go through a diagnosis of Cancer and not feel depressed lets face it that hardly make you feel good. You have had one blow after another and as Mo has said your feelings are completely normal. Trust me there are many days when I am so low it is hard to function and the same for Trevor. I think everyone on the forum deserves a WHY ME MOMENT.

The only person I can think of who never really  spoke of those feelings was TG but I am sure that he had them , in fact I know he did. I once sent him the song Moon River, it seems like a life time ago know. Any way before I get all maudlin here is my song to you.

The sun'll come out tomorrow

Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ther'll be sun

Just thinking about tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow till there's none

when I'm stuck with a day that's grey and lonely , I just stick up my chin and say OH

The sun'll come out tomorrow , so you gotta hang on till tomorrow, come what may!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya your always a day away.

BFN

Julie X

QUOTE
"I'm not pleased with myself when I think about others on this site who have far worse situations than me and seem to be far more positive about things. I expect, deep down, I'm worried about the heart op and just hope everything is sorted. I look forward to getting that done and being able to return to a more normal life. I feel as if I can't do anything just now. I think that it doesn't make it any easier having all the time in the world to think about things, when I was working, there was usually wasn't that time.

Anyway, thanks once again for all the messages you've posted, I think you've really helped me when everything seemed so bleak.

Steve "

I am glad that the flurry of support for you has helped. It's what we do and what we are here for after all.
You would have/have done, the same for others when they've been down.

As for not feeling pleased with yourself, what makes you think that you in particular have to be superman.

No two people are alike or react to things in the same way. It doesn't make one of them weak - just different.

If you could stop beating yourself up about how you are behaving or reacting you might have more energy!!

I won't make a sweeping statement since I don't know the facts, but I am sure there are many men on here who are struggling with cancer and don't also have a debilitating heart condition to contend with. Remember, your problems in that respect are serious enough for your heart team to advise that you go in before the angioplasty.

Keep writing. It's very therapeutic.

All the best
Sandra

PS that's a lovely post by IRUN and so true. See more inspiration for you. Instead of laying/sitting there thinking what have you achieved in life start thinking about some of the amazing/funny/touching shots you must have taken in your time.

Capture the memory of those in your writing, ready for when you put your collection together for viewing!!

Edited by member 11 Jan 2015 at 09:18  | Reason: Not specified

Steve,

I can only echo the sentiments expressed so well by Kevin, Sandra and Allison.

What else can i say, except, get well, good luck, and remember that you have a host of real friends here who care and are always willing to listen and help.

Let's see a fit, well, and chirpy 'Snapper Steve' at the big B2Pca 'do' on June 20th, where you'll get to meet in person so many of the kind people you've met online here.

Very best wishes,

George

You were up late Steve,

Hope you get back to natural sleeping times.

Don't feel bad that you are suffering less than some here or elsewhere. Your condition is still your problem that you are dealing with, so no less of a problem for you. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and I wish you well this morning and for Monday.

atb

Dave

PS the chance of a problem may be 1 in 100.

So, the chances of success are 99 in every 100. Sounds better when you look at it like that I think?

Thanks guys.

Dave, very good point, lateral thinking puts things into a very different light. I much prefer the look of 99% chance of surviving the op rather than 1% chance of dying from it.

I'm actually looking forward to having it done and getting my heart sorted. It can be very distracting having to worry about another heart attack when you're trying to worry about cancer [img=http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-smile.gif]

I had my Zoladex implant this morning, went pretty much to plan apart from the fact that it took a while to stop the bleeding afterwards. Never had the problem with the previous ones. Decided it was due the blood thinning treatment I'm on for my heart problem. They said my blood would be less likely to clot while I was on these drugs.

Anyway, only 5 days to go before I get my wrist slashed (as part of the operation), though I felt like a bit like doing that myself recently. Good job I didn't.

Steve

Edited by member 14 Jan 2015 at 02:59  | Reason: Not specified