Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life

User

Posted 24 Dec 2014 at 22:59

Hi Steve,

happy birthday mate, may you have many more.

Sorry this is is a bit on the cusp but been a bit busy today.

Hope you had a great one!

Kevin

User

Posted 25 Dec 2014 at 06:21

Thanks everyone for your kind messages.

I've just had one of the best birthdays ever. So nice to be with my family especially our new addition , our little grandson.

Had a wonderful meal this evening and received some really special cards and presents. My wife gave me an engraved pocket watch which I will treasure forever.

I found it quite difficult to hide my emotions at times, especially when I spent a few moments to remember the forum members who sadly passed away this year. I didn't mention what I was thinking about at that moment because I knew my wife would be upset to be reminded of my illness and it's possible consequences. I quietly raised a glass in their memory.

So the end of a perfect day.

May I wish you all a very Happy Christmas.

Steve

User

Posted 25 Dec 2014 at 10:03

Belated birthday wishes Steve , and have a lovely Christmas. Diesel x

User

Posted 28 Dec 2014 at 12:55

Happy Belated birthday Steve.

A fantastic post. Hope you finished off those chocolates & had a few more treats too.

Thanks for all your support too & best wishes for 2015.

Carlos

Life's a Marathon. Run in peace.

User

Posted 28 Dec 2014 at 16:49

Hi Steve and happy birthday.

I was very pleased to read this post from you it is a long time since you have been able to be positive about yourself, you normally reserve this positivity for the encouragement of others. I wish you a less eventful start to the new year and may there be many more perfect days to raise a glass to.

John

User

Posted 28 Dec 2014 at 20:41

Happy Belated Birthday Steve, your post sounds so much more positive than of late. Keep those positive thoughts and good feelings to the front.

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 28 Dec 2014 at 21:38

HELP!

Just checked my weight after five days Christmas overeating ( my first chocolate, cakes, biscuits etc for over six months) and I've gained half a stone! Can't believe I've gained so much.

Had a great Christmas though, hope you have too.

Thanks for your messages.

Best Wishes,

Steve

Edited by member 28 Dec 2014 at 21:39 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 28 Dec 2014 at 21:49

Step away from the scales. If doesn't matter. A week or two sensible eating in January & it'll be gone.

Enjoy xmas & sod it.

Life's a Marathon. Run in peace.

User

Posted 28 Dec 2014 at 23:00

Hi Carlos,

That's what I feel. I just hope I can get back to my normal healthy diet. I think running out of money in January will help (I haven't worked since the 20th. November).

What I really need to do is take more exercise but it's difficult at the moment in my present condition. I've had three incidents of chest pains in the last ten days (including Christmas night) so I'm trying to be fairly careful. My other heart angioplasty is due three weeks tomorrow (Jan 19th) so as soon as that is out of the way I'm due to start a cardiac rehab programme. Only problem is that I've had quite a lot of rectal bleeding over the last week (the medication I was given to stop that seems to be failing now) which could force me into have a double bypass op instead. Hopefully, I can get things sorted before that has to happen. I'm sure I will.

I'm convinced 2015 will be a better year for us.

Steve

Edited by member 28 Dec 2014 at 23:05 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 29 Dec 2014 at 18:50

Hi Steve,

Sorry to hear that you have had quite a lot of rectal bleeding over the past week.

In my posting on 10 December on your other thread I suggested that if I were in your position with regular heavy bleeding I would ask my oncologist about having a sigmoidoscopy to find out exactly what is going on. Did you ask your Onco whether she thought that a sigmoidoscopy would be worth doing?

Inflamation from RT sometimes causes rectal discomfort and bleeding and suppositories may be prescribed – one good one is proctosedyl. These suppositories relieve pain and reduce inflammation, itching and discharge. I understand that other brands do a similar job. As a layman in all of this, these treatments are fine for discomfort or minor shows of blood following RT. But if the cause of the bleeding is due to more severe damage to the tissue in the rectum then they may not be much help in sorting out the real problem long term. This gets back to thinking that a sigmoidoscopy may be useful to find out if cauterisation to treat the damaged tissue in the rectum would be the answer.

This a non clinical personal observation but if you wish to avoid having a double bypass operation it may be useful to speak to your Onco about whether having a sigmoidoscopy is an option for you now, if you have not already done so. This may be a non starter for you for whatever reason but at least you will have explored this option.

I hope this is useful.

Alan

User

Posted 29 Dec 2014 at 19:43

Hi Steve,
Over eating - surely not. Chocolates, cake, biscuits = 1/2 stone

You should have taken a leaf out of my book -

Oh hang on a minute - you did.

1/2 stone - I wished!! Daren't even think about scales.

I wouldn't normally eat chocolate but IT WAS THERE - what was I supposed to do. It was Christmas.

Got an arthritic foot which is stopping me walking and causing a funny hip so not much chance of exercise at the moment.

Looks like I'm going to have to cut back on the food !!!

Roll on New Year when I can make myself promises which this year I really really mean to keep. Honest!

Good luck with the bleeding. Hope you get it sorted soon. New Year, New start.

Heart with its bits and pieces in working order and doing its job.

Cancer with it's backside kicked.

Good luck and best wishes.

Sandra

Edited by member 29 Dec 2014 at 19:45 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 05 Jan 2015 at 01:33

Hi,

After having such a great birthday and Christmas, what's happened this last week has taken me totally by surprise.

It really started last Sunday at my grandson's christening. I found it difficult to get through the service. I found it difficult to hold things together, I was so emotional. Fortunately, only my wife really noticed what was happening because most people were behind me but it's not what I expected to happen.

During radiotherapy, I started to take some "happy pills" given to me by my GP as I'd been having real problems controlling my emotions (as mentioned in my other posts). This was probably my worst side effect of the hormone therapy I'm on.

The tablets worked a treat and totally evened out my moods, until this last week. I feel so low.

I was ok after the christening, things really only hit me during Sunday night. I couldn't sleep and I just started to think about my grandson growing up and not being there to see that. After feeling so positive around the Christmas period, just everything seemed to bring me down further. My post RT bleeding problem keeps re-appearing, now accompanied by quite a lot of pain when I try to go to the loo. I can't seem to do anything much without being breathless all the time. That has got worse in the last two weeks.

New Years Eve made me feel really sad because I'm scared of what this year will bring. A couple of months ago, I wasn't expecting to have my heart problems. I didn't expect to be struggling so much to cope with the recovery from that. It doesn't seem that I will be able to work until February at the earliest. I'm not sure if I will be able to cope with the workload I was doing, I just feel exhausted most of the time now even though I'm not doing much.

If I look back to last year's New Year's Eve, I didn't expect my life to turn out this way. That's why I felt so sad on Wednesday night, thinking my life could fall apart even more this year.

I haven't wanted to talk to anyone and feel as if I just want to go to sleep and not be sad anymore.

I'm finding it really hard to be positive, I just need something nice to come along to take the pressure off me. The tablets aren't working well enough.

Steve

User

Posted 05 Jan 2015 at 01:59

Hi, Steve I am new to this site so you don,t know me although I have been reading yours and others on here for awhile when waiting for the results of my OH tests. He has prostate cancer and we are waiting on his urologist to resume after the Christmas break for advice re treatment, prognosis etc. You have been through so much lately I am not surprised you are sometimes feeling down and exhausted. Be kind on yourself and take it as easy as you need to. Best wishes. Georgina

User

Posted 05 Jan 2015 at 09:37

Steve,
I can sort of understand what you are going through, I went through the same thought pathways regarding my grandchildren a few months back.
Wouldn't see them grow up / get married / have kids of their own.
Seemed so unfair and cruel.
It also felt unnecessary, why me - that old chestnut.

All I can tell you is that I did get back on top of it, it just took time.
Just to remind you, I documented it on the dark side.

With all that you are facing up to at the moment I'm not surprised you have been bitten with the black beast.

Well, we are all here for you, so get it all out and we will support you all we can.

All the best

Kevin

User

Posted 05 Jan 2015 at 10:03

Oh Steve, Steve, Steve, will it never end for you.

As far as being emotional at the Christening I find perfectly understandable - a new young life being promised eternal life.
Yes for you it was even more emotional than for others because you think you can see your future, or lack of it.

You are in pain, you have job worries therefore financial woes, and Christmas and New Year are traditionally the times when we look back over our lives and then forward to making plans for the future, telling ourselves it will all be different this year.
Unfortunately, for a lot of people who aren't even going through what you are going through, this aftermath of excitement and festivities produces a horrible flatness and anxiety. We can sometimes feel we have nothing to look forward to except more of the same

Well it will be different for you this year won't it and all you can focus on is what is happening now.
You have depression at the moment caused by the mountain that is weighing down on your shoulders.

Please don't give up on yourself. You know that your breathlessness is due to your heart and that is going to be sorted, in whatever way the experts feel best for your situation.
Look how much better you felt when you had the stent put in and you didn't even know you had a heart problem before the attack.
You said then how much more energy you had and tiredness can sap your will and energy. Everything is so much more of an effort.

Try not to focus on thinking of your grandson's future without you. You can't say that at this stage.

I'm not going to say you need to be positive, you already know that, but it is hard isn't when you feel like you do.
You don't want to be sad anymore, who does.

There are many on here Steve with the mantra of live life to the full.
Once you get this heart business sorted out you'll have the energy to reflect and perhaps find peace in the moments you are living ie with every hug you give that new little fellow in your life.

He still has you and I am sure will do for many years to come yet.

OK perhaps you maybe won't be the footballing granddad but you'll be the one taking him to the park, showing him the beauty in all that is around him. Getting him interested in a hobby like photography eh?

I have no medical knowledge of depression only anecdotal info from many members of my family as it is a strong trait among us, but I do know how debilitating it can be.
Perhaps you could go to your GP and discuss with him how you feel with a view to a different drug, or what about contacting your designated nurse at the hospital.

Don't curl up in a ball and wish the rest of your life over Steve. It would be such a waste.

None of us can predict when our end will come even those among us with terminal cancer can and will defy the odds that have been given to them.

That heart attack came out of the blue. You could have left us then but you didn't because you still have more to offer.

You have many friends on here Steve, willing you on. We can't offer a physical shoulder but on a virtual level we can try and give you a lift up.
You know were all here for you.
If you feel like crying then have a cry. What you feel like now is not how you will feel when you are stronger.

Best Wishes and a big virtual hug (but don't tell my husband - he wouldn't understand !!!) Sandra

Edited by member 05 Jan 2015 at 10:07 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 05 Jan 2015 at 10:26

Hi Steve,

So sorry to hear the problems that you are going through but just to let you know you are not on your own with this.

I went through all of this early on, would i see the twins go to secondary school etc but it does get better.

Now i just read your post on the meet up at Newark, i didn't realize Newark was your home town, well i believe that the Advertiser is still in the same building so if you fancy a trip down memory lane my mate is MD there so i can arrange a visit and we can have a good chat a few beers and lunch.

Happy to collect you from the train station, will have to be a weekday but i guarantee to send you home with a smile on your face.

Best Wishes

Don't deny the diagnosis; try to defy the verdict

User

Posted 05 Jan 2015 at 10:28

Steve

I have advanced and incurable PCA. This time last year, I was completely undetectable. I am natural born catastrophist and those that know me on this forum will know how much destruction the demon has done to my psyche since my diagnosis in 2009.

I fully understand exactly what you are going through and have no magical solutions. However, what I will say is that, despite the bleakness of my prognosis, I still try to grab a little joy from each day, however trivial or menial, even though I know I have no real long term future to look forward to. I have a daughter of 24 who is facing a double hip replacement and an elder daughter in a poor relationship who is just about to leave me and live in the USA. I have no grandchildren, only a new puppy and a wife I adore, so I think of that beautiful little creature and get as much joy out of bringing her up as I do being with my wife.

I have suffered from very real depression and know what Sandra has said makes tremendous good sense. To just want to end it all or give up is a waste. You have a grandchild. If you have nothing else, just try and focus on this beautiful new life and to impart all the love you can. Love, more than anything else, is the legacy of a true man. And that is exactly who you are.

God bless

Bazza (Barry)

User

Posted 05 Jan 2015 at 11:18

Steve I want to reach out and give you a great big hug, the way you feel right now is normal, yes normal. The emotions at your grandsons christening normal, your sad reflections normal,the dread of what might happen, normal.

What you are experiencing is a phase of your new normal, it is a depressing phase made worse by the complications after all as Sandra has said in her lovely post, the heart attack could have taken you away from us all but it didn't because you are needed and wanted here.

Certain things spark our emotions, I lost it at the hospice singing Xmas carols Of course location and hormones play a big part in that too.

My raw emotions are caused by grief and yours are probably caused by being confronted by your own mortality it is all well and good people saying we all have to die sometime but it becomes a frightening and distressing thing when first cancer and then a heart attack give you a glimpse at the grim reaper. Fortunately you have given him the message loud and clear that this is not your time.

We will both overcome these emotional moments but it takes time and nobody can tell how long that will take. Once you get through the depressing phase into acceptance then you will feel a stronger and calmer New normal.

In the meantime looking towards something positive like having a successful treatment for your heart problem and the further progress away from RT side effects might help a bit.

Seeing New friends at Newark might be something to look forward to as well

We are all here for you

Xxx

Mandy Mo

User

Posted 05 Jan 2015 at 12:24

Many have already given so much sage advice I won't repeat that now. I think we all go through shock when we are diagnosed and you have had a double whammy which is bound to hit you hard. Therefore all the emotions you are feeling are expected and you have to let them happen. Tears do help, though as men sometimes we want to hide our tears but they are there for a reason and are cathartic.

You must still be coming to terms with your new 'normal' and this will take time. I know though that if you feel you are slipping into clinical depression please see the doctor and talk it through. But I suspect you will get your head around this. You have discussed these issues so articulately already on this forum and that in itself is important to help you make sense, take stock and adjust your reality.

It would be great to see you at Newark. It is a small intimate group and has been helpful to share and explore where we all are. There are some great people who live around that area so it will be a good day out. I want to pick your photography skills anyway!

User

Posted 05 Jan 2015 at 16:10

Steve

The best remedy for your feelings must be to speak and write about them. Doing so will help you analyse where you are. I hope that what you are feeling will be short term, and you are doing exactly the right thing by articulating your situation on this forum.

Please keep posting - not only are you helping yourself, but others present and future to whom your writing will be of great assistance.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

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