Rejected

I will be as blunt as some of the others here; I don't believe him if he is saying he feels no desire at all. Removal of the prostate may cause erectile function but it doesn't directly cause loss of libido. Loss of libido can be caused by the fall-out from prostate cancer (fear of failure, a sense of no longer being a man, mental health issues as a result of being told you have cancer, etc) but all of these are within his gift to do something about; professional help may be needed. Maybe when he was diagnosed, he knew that ED was a possibility but didn't understand the difference between libido and ED? But to make no attempt at all to address this is selfish on his part and does not bode well for the future and, as CJ says, if he has had no engorgement at all for 2 years it may be too late to recover proper erections and so other ways of making love will become important.

This thread may help https://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t9839-One-wife-s-story-of-ED 

Edited by member 03 Nov 2020 at 13:56  | Reason: Not specified

I'll be more blunt than others, he's been feeling sorry for himself for too long now and is just not trying he needs to snap out of it before your relationship deteriorates. Shameful lack of understanding of your emotions and desire for intimacy. I'm on HT, had chemo, radiotherapy, ejaculation of pure blood last month for weeks....God yes I felt down and sorry for myself at the very start but crying into my pillow every night isn't going to change anything. I have no libido at all but I still desire my fiance and want to be intimate with her. I was proactive, ED clinic,pump,cialis,viagra, I got a cock ring to help, we've bought loads of 'toys' if I cannot focus enough to stay hard. It's hard to focus and remember to be tactile, hugs kisses cuddles because HT takes that feeling away but you just have to want to make it all work but if hes not on HT then he has no excuse. You two need to sit down and you need to say what you need from him, if all you want is oral and toy play with no pressure for him to perform then let him know that, lay in bed together and take his hand and put it where it feels nice for you with no pressure on him. You need buy in from him or your going to start resenting him very quickly.

I know I'm blunt but it makes me so mad when some blokes feel sorry for themselves for too long and forget or totally disregard their wives/girlfriends feelings and needs.

Brooke's,

It's not clear to me quite what his and your collective situations are. He may have tried to masturbate and found he couldn't get an erection (indeed, that's highly likely shortly after the procedure). He may have a sense of failure and dread at even trying that again, never mind sex with a partner. To prevent getting into that situation, he may have put up a barrier to being intimate in any way. (A lot of "may"s and guesswork here - I could be on completely the wrong path.)

I think there are a couple of things to try here.

Try to restore the intimacy, but with the pressure to have sex removed from the equation for now. You could do this in a couple of ways. Depending how well the two of you are communicating, you could discuss it as a plan, and agree sex is off the table for a month or two, but you want to get back to kisses, cuddles, stroking each others shoulders, arms, hands, etc, whatever you might have done in the past, except sex. Even if you both find such a session starts heading towards sex, don't go there - you need to get your intimate bond back fully working, and not at this stage try anything which might fail and knock it back. If that level of communication isn't operating, you could start by trying intimacy in circumstances where sex can't happen, such as in public, walking hand in hand, arms around each others' shoulders, having a good snog, etc. This might help you improve communication, but you'll need to work on that too.

This brings me to a communications activity I suggest for couples to try and help communicate again when communications have been damaged by distancing caused by loss of sex. Each of you go off separately with a sheet of paper and think of the following things to write down:
Think of a question to ask about how prostate cancer has affected your partner.
Write down an activity the two of you do which is important to you staying physically close.
Write down an activity you would like to do to make you physically close.
When you've both done this separately, come together, and discuss your answers one by one.
You can repeat this again in a week or two (decide and put a date in your diaries so it doesn't get missed), and you have to come up with 3 different points next time.

If you can get intimacy (without sex) going again, and communications going again, you should be able to come together and both understand each others' issues, and start formulating a plan. If you've wanted to continue on to sex during your month or two of intimacy with abstention, you should now be in a position to discuss if it's time to give it a go, or to understand why it isn't going to work (e.g. ED), and talk about what you might do about it. There are ways to have sex without an erection, and there are ways to get an erection with assistance, but you won't be able to talk about these or have the confidence to try and risk failure until you are back fully communicating freely again. You need to handle failure sensitively, as far as possible by maintaining intimacy, such that any failed sex isn't seen as intimacy ending in failure, but the intimacy continues.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Thank goodness for Andy’s reply to Brookes situation. A well thought out suggestion taking into account how Brookes OH may be feeling  

The he’s selfish, man up comments were very insensitive as none of you know what he’s going through. We are all different in our responses to this bloody disease and that has to be respected.

I hope it works out for you and your OH Brookes. I also hope the OP of this thread is ok

Bri

Edited by member 05 Nov 2020 at 22:03  | Reason: Not specified

Thank you Stalwart! You captured it - all this paraphernalia, works sometimes but not others, hard to focus - and so easy to compare with "before" when it all came so naturally.

I honour you for just persisting, trying each different way, staying with your core love and desire even though it manifests differently. I am on a similar journey and I yearn for the simple pleasure sex used to be - but like you it is still worth adapting for the sake of loving connection. And you're right that it takes a bit more conscious effort to be tactile, hug and kiss - I find that my uncertainty about my own body's responses makes me less confident of connecting with my wife. Still worth the effort!

Hello there,

thank you for your post.  I appreciate your encouragement, but  Personally an

open marriage is an oxymoron to me. ❤️