I'm interested in conversations about and I want to talk about

Know exactly what you want?

Show search

Notification

Error

Erecting the Erection - Medication

Email this conversation Print this conversation

User

Posted 08 Sep 2015 at 13:36

Thanks Chris, could you send the rep around to me. I'm c6 weeks ahead of you and now regressing!!!!

User

Posted 08 Sep 2015 at 14:30

Informative and helpful post Chris,

Well done for persevering. Worth mentioning to any other men reading this that what works for some may not work for others, and what works for others may not work for some.

No consistency it seems.

dave

Do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

User

Posted 08 Sep 2015 at 14:32

Hey Johny

I am 43 and 9 weeks post op. I had Davinci Surgery with full nerve sparring.

I was given 5Mg cialis 2 weeks after surgery and although I did take a few I stopped because I didnt like the side effects (flushing, stuffy nose, seeing blue dots when I blink) and thought I was doing the right thing because I wasnt ready to engage in intercorse. However I realised soon after starting that it was not meant for intercorse but for reprogramming Mr Wiggles.

I've had quite a few lazy lobs but probably only about 70% at best, nothing that would work for penetration. My GP also gave me 16 20mg cialis and although I did take one, nothing happened, and Mr Wiggles didnt get his wriggle on even though there was a lot of persuading going on if you know what I mean lol, we just laughed about it.

Its been a few weeks since anything has happened on the lazy lob front but I am now ready to start again with the 5mg cialis and with the pump which Chris mentioned. To see if it will make any difference. God I miss being active.

I totally feel your pain my friend, I've had quite a few oppertunities recently to be active but the old chap has let me down, psychologically this does mess with your head but we also need to remain optomistic and realistic in that our surgery was only a few months ago and internal healing could take quite a few months, even though we all want it back now.

I am completely dry now and have been for many weeks, although I still wear a number 1 pad, I think its more of a comfort thing just knowing its there incase I have an accident, but I do need to take a risk and see if I can go without wearing anything.

I wish you all the best, and hopefully we will all get there and get our grooves on again...

Raiden

Edited by member 08 Sep 2015 at 14:36 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 08 Sep 2015 at 16:40

Chris I could just about imagine your face when she walked in.

Sounds like something out of a Carry On film (Think bouncy Barbara Windsor)

Raiden, nice to hear from you.

Good luck to both of you. I hope everything progresses well for you.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 09 Sep 2015 at 10:32

Chris

Brilliant post and so informative for others.

Your description of the demonstration did make me smile! !

As I said on Trish's thread you guys should all help each other sharing info on what works.

All my best wishes

Xxx

User

Posted 14 Sep 2015 at 03:05

New to this forum, but have found some posts quite informative.

I was diagnosed in the summer of 2014, Gleason 4:3 and RLP in August that year, so its over a year now.

My prognosis is good, in so far as I was T2 organ contained, zero margin and a year on my PSA is undetectable. All good. I had nerve sparing surgery (50% I think, but as a result of a comment on here I shall seek clarification)

So, the reason for me coming on here.

Living with the side effects.....and the psychological impacts.

My continence is good, I dont wear pads of any description, just change underware when the odd accident happens (usually alcohol related)

However Ed is problematic.

I am on Cialis, 20mg, as required. Does not work at all with female, but has sigificantly impacted with self stimulation.

I am married and she is incredibly understanding and tolerant. As such I have been very interested to read the female perspective on here, this and other topics.

I have no issue discussing Ed, with friends, family (I have two grown sons) and other females. Plenty of dark humour, poetic justice was a comment that made me laugh.

So a year on and I am now referred to the Ed clinic, I have probably left that a little late.

But, that not withstanding, I have become quite depressed, the sort of "lets end this now" type of depression. Being a controlling type of person (narcissistic I suspect) this seems "SpockLike" entirely logical? At 63 and led a full life even more so.

It is this that I seek comment on, especially from the female perspective as leaving her behind is the main restraining factor.

I am hoping that treatment for Ed will lift the mood, which I am sure it will temporarily as I seek to take advantage, if it works. My sex life is active, apart from penetration, for clarity.

So, a long winded way if asking, but are my psychological impulses normal or am I up my own rear end in self analysis?

User

Posted 14 Sep 2015 at 08:11

Les Hi
Ive messaged you aswell to say hello . I think you will get a lot of support from members on this site . There are no end of kind understanding people a lot further on than us in their experiences . However generally they seem to be up-beat people who will ( and are ) doing anything to fight this disease and try to beat it. Im sure they have a level of depression but when it gets as low as you are saying it becomes serious . Im in the same boat as you , and am now looking at an even bigger fight . I didn't want treatment in the first place ( yes silly me ) , and now after treatment I wonder whether life is worth living and if I can face all the future treatment . I guess your comment about your family says it all . You do it for THEM . I have a 5 yr old boy . I couldn't NOT have the treatment done . You have left ED recovery a fairly long time but with an approach to the hospital clinic you are moving forward and it will give you something to work on. Being impotent does get us all down for sure . Yes you can still have lovely times but all men want penetration essentially , and I know most women miss it when it is gone , but it doesn't become all-consuming to them .
More support will be on its way ........
Chris

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User

Posted 14 Sep 2015 at 09:07

Hi Les

I'm a wife, my husband is currently undergoing radiotherapy to be followed by brachytherapy. I think I speak for a lot of wives / partners when I say that although ED is an issue we're all very happy that treatment means that our other halves are going to be around for a lot longer than without treatment.

Chris, above, and I have corresponded quite a lot on this issue - I told him that I married for love not sex. You will get more input from others so I hope that the advice you will be given will help with lifting the depression.

Good luck at the ED clinic.

Maureen

"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." A A Milne

User

Posted 14 Sep 2015 at 11:31

Maureen

Thank you.

I dont think however "marrying for love" is gender specific. We all do.

But whether one would marry into a sexless relationship, I doubt, whether male or female.

So if a relationship becomes sexless, does that end up in the same place?

Thats the female perspective I seek.

Thanks to everyone else and the private messages. Sadly, as a newcomer, forum rules disbar me from sending private responses.

My conclusion, to date, is that becoming depressed is fairly standard.

Therefore my response must be is what to about it.

Menadering through the balance of life on drug therapy is unappealing.

This does sound dreadfully selfish, I know.

User

Posted 14 Sep 2015 at 11:54

Hi Les
I didn't realise rules said you cant private message . The only reason I sent you that message is because its easier than baring ones soul on the internet publicly. I know EXACTLY how you feel and especially if no penetration for over a year . Im only 3 months . But I am bipolar 23 yrs and know depression better than I know my relatives , although I obviously don't have the answers or i'd be well !!
I feel every wife on the planet would tell their husband that sex doesn't matter and that love and life and togetherness are key , when faced with an illness such as this that would make you impotent. I guess the majority of women would mean it whole-heartedly , others would mean it and then over time resent the fact that sex wasn't the same , and of course you can then get into the realms of untrue partners etc . Im just saying it as I think it is . I was terrified at the possibility of my partner moving on , which was actually a very silly thought at the time , but its only 3 months . As men I think we have the ability to drive a woman away when having to deal with something such as this ( like a self-fulfilling prophecy ) . Its amazing that you are so in tune with your body and mind that you realise you aren't thinking straight anymore . Everyone here will tell you to book a 20 minute appt at your GP and discuss this with him/her. Its vital you look for help and if it comes in medicinal form then so be it . Some of the SSRI anti-depressants can work wonders . And moving on with the ED will help you too. When you are allowed to PMessage I would be happy to help
Chris

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User

Posted 14 Sep 2015 at 11:56

Les, my husband also felt for a while that life was perhaps not worth living and that I would be better off without him. Over time, everything got back to normal and he knows that life is very definitely worth living. What kept him going in between times was the knowledge that his life insurer doesn't pay out for suicide, I would be left destitute and homeless and the whole family would be sad.

What you describe is in some ways common to diagnosed men but talk of ending it all is not. It is screwed thinking and needs specialist advice from your GP - don't try to muddle along on your own with these thoughts!!!!!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 14 Sep 2015 at 12:23

I have just been granted authority to send private messages and have responded. Thank you.

Lyn, I am not convinced that choosing not to muddle through is "screwed"

Although I absolutely accept that it is very selfish.

My wife would not be destitute, impacted, yes but destitute no.

Thinking why I am on here asking this question, I think I am looking for the absolutist response my surgeon gave me in relation to the disease.

I find that easier to deal with.

But of course with mental health issues (if this is what it is, as opposed to a perfectly acceptable solution) things are not always black and white.

I am struggling and searching for an answer....thank you for tolerating me.

User

Posted 14 Sep 2015 at 12:35

We will tolerate anything Les - If they tolerated me !?! Just ask away and far more astute people than I will be along to talk and offer advice which is what you need . I'm soldiering along despite some very personal issues and feelings . It seems maybe the ED thing is what has led eventually to you getting this low . But there are loads of treatments out there and you have been slow on the uptake it seems . One or more of these could work for you in time and help turn your mood . But seriously ..... GP talk would be good

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 21:44

Hello Les

My husband is in a similar position to you. RRP last December, 50% nerve sparing, and ed. he is also still fairly incontinent, and that doesn't help.

From a woman's point of view, most of us would rather have thirty years with no penetrative sex than ten years with it.

It's difficult. You have the advantage of being able to discuss it. My oh would rather bottle it all up and hope it goes away. Keep on keeping on.

Louise X

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 01:29

Hi Louise

Many thanks for your comment.

I would encourage your OH to discuss it, in the end its a physical issue due to major surgery, nothing to be ashamed of, is it.

My first ED clinic yesterday and because of comments on here I asked a specific question on the degree of nerve sparing that had occured. There was, in fact, no notes at all referring to this by the surgeon so now I am unsure, but it does explain my physical "non reaction" if little occured.

The practitioner was very reassuring however and his confirmation of my story over the last year as not being unusual was comforting.

We discussed in great detail how "it" felt and the feelings of my wife. She has said the same as you BUT I dont believe its totally true.

The practitioner agreed with me over the lack of penetration and how that, in fact, makes her slightly insecure.

Anyway because I am able to "feel" Cialis he has asked me to use it as therapy not as an attempt to promote penetrative sex. So he has prescribed a vacuum pump to use daily along with 20mg of Cialis twice a week for eight weeks. We agreed that given its a year then if indeed there was nerve sparing then this will tease out the recovery.

You know the funniest thing? Which chemist to go to fulfill the prescription for the pump!! They did not have it in stock at the one I chose and when she asked me if it was urgent I nearly laughed.

Some light relief from the black dog of depression that seems to have engulfed me. It feels, as I share this on here, as if I am discussing a third person. Recently alcohol (I am a Real Ale fiend) consumption has increased to the point, I know, its becoming an issue as I am lying about it to her (and my sons who are both close to me). I want to stop but the early evening relief,the decent into The "Walter Mitty" land of self deception, is just too tempting.

So I do, every day.

Work is suffering and I know that my wife is sensing the detachment in me, a fact that totally undermines my reasoning to seek a remedy for the ED.

So the depression is self perpetuating and the decent accelerating.

Self destruction by a slow burn.

Its 2:20am, lets see what delights the morning brings. Perhaps my new vacuum pump will be ready for collection today. Oh what joy, the exquisite anticipation of standing in the shower and manually pumping a rather crude device on my flaccid penis.

But I am alive with a decent prognosis and my wife, women, tell me she/they would rather have me as this fractured person than not.

I fear however she refers to a memory, not the reality. A lot of which she is unaware of.

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 06:57

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Maureen
Thank you.
I dont think however "marrying for love" is gender specific. We all do.
But whether one would marry into a sexless relationship, I doubt, whether male or female.

So if a relationship becomes sexless, does that end up in the same place?
Thats the female perspective I seek.

Thanks to everyone else and the private messages. Sadly, as a newcomer, forum rules disbar me from sending private responses.
My conclusion, to date, is that becoming depressed is fairly standard.
Therefore my response must be is what to about it.
Menadering through the balance of life on drug therapy is unappealing.

This does sound dreadfully selfish, I know.

Re the above quote and from this woman's perspective

It would very much depend on what the relationship was like before it became sexless.

If it isn't strong, but sex is a big part of it, then yes I would imagine the loss of penetrative sex would make a major impact on that relationship.

If, however, your marriage was / is strong then for goodness sake listen to what your wife is saying to you.

Only you two know the depth of feeling for each other so it's no good me making sweeping statements about what it's like for you because we only have our own experiences to go on.

Do I love my husband now that he is no longer the man I married? Of course I do

Do I regret that sex is no longer what it was, even given our advanced age? Of course I do

Would I throw away the memories of 45 years of marriage (and believe me it hasn't always been a bed of roses)? Of course I wouldn't

Yes I married for love, but that love is tempered over the years by what you share together and the memories you make.

Don't risk forcing that separation on yourselves by trying to get inside her head and read what YOU think she is really thinking. It doesn't work like that.

Trust her, believe in her, believe in yourself.

Leave the doubts behind, together with the extra pints. Not only are they not helpful - too much and brewers droop will rear its head anyway!!

Depression following diagnosis and treatment is understandable, but you have life.

Are you selfish - probably - but that's human too isn't it. We all want perfection whether that's in looks or marriage or work.

What's the alternative for you both. You will drive her away in any case if you continue to think like you are.

We might love our other halves but we are human too and the constant reassurance (that is disbelieved and not accepted) can wear us down.

Please trust her own judgement

Edited by member 24 Sep 2015 at 15:34 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 07:04

Les,

If you start a thread about the issues you are faced and dealing with, it will be easier for anyone to see what you are asking about and help you? As it is, your issues are mixed in among someone else issues. This is not a criticism, but a suggestion that is intended to help you get better advice and assistance.

atb

dave

Do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 07:26

Johsan

Do I regret that sex is no longer what it was, even given our advanced age? Of course I do"

Exactly

I get everything you say, but this comment stood out.

Does that feeling remain as just "regret" or does it progress to something else, do you think?

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 10:23

Hi,

I'm just over 4 weeks post-op (RRP, only partially nerve-sparing) and whilst I know that is pretty recent and also that this is not a short journey, that doesn't necessarily make it easy (or even much easier). Oddly, my libido has seemed to increase since I was diagnosed, but whilst I never suffered from ED before that point, I found that I pre-op I just couldn't get a satisfactory erection (I put it down to anxiety about the forthcoming op), and as for post-op, well there's been the odd tingle but otherwise absolutely zilch thus far. I've not yet been referred to the ED clinic but I've asked the nurse co-ordinating my treatment to make sure I get passed across.

SWMBO* is being very loving and couldn't really be more supportive, but - if you'll pardon the unfortunate pun - it is hard. As blokes, our sexuality and sexual persona is so closely bound up with our sense of who we are that to suddenly find that there's no response from below when called can be difficult to deal with. I love her now as much as I ever have (we've just had our Pearl anni) but the fact that I can't express that physically in the same way is surprisingly upsetting. The surgeon warned us very clearly that spontaneous erections would be very unlikely post-op and whilst you think 'well, at least I'll hopefully not have cancer any more' the reality is still a blow.

Les - You do sound very 'down'; please don't be afraid to seek help. Ask for it from the professionals: some years ago when my Dad died of stomach cancer I found it incredibly hard to deal with, and I sought counselling. It didn't 'make it all better' but having someone outside of my life I could open my heart to gave me the space to work through my grief and find a way of coping with it. There are various support routes open via this site, or you could ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor. There are specialist ones for us cancer-sufferers, whether you go alone or together. If you can talk to us anonymous strangers on here about how you feel then you can certainly talk to a professional. You're not going through this completely alone, you know. I've asked my co-ordinating nurse to refer me for that help, as it happens.

I'd echo many of the responses on here: try to trust your wife and allow her the space to care for you. The fact that you can't yet get an erection is not the end of the world, and there is more to love than (as Alan Bennett and John Fortune put it) 'putting it in and jiggling it about a bit'. I'd also try to lay off the ale as best you can - it will do you no physical good, won't help the incontinence, and will make your ED problems worse. I speak as a fellow ale-lover who has several dozen assorted bottles in the garage that SWMBO won't let me touch yet!

To all the other respondents to this thread - many thanks for sharing your experiences: for those of us just embarking on the journey it is very valuable to hear how others fare.

*For the uninitiated, SWMBO = She Who Must Be Obeyed. From the Rider Haggard adventure novel 'She', and was used by Rumpole as shorthand for his wife - the dreaded Hilda.

Edited by member 24 Sep 2015 at 10:31 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 15:55

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Johsan
"
Do I regret that sex is no longer what it was, even given our advanced age? Of course I do"

Exactly
I get everything you say, but this comment stood out.
Does that feeling remain as just "regret" or does it progress to something else, do you think?

Les, perhaps "regret" was not the right word. Possibly "sad" would have been better

The same sort of sadness you feel when you realise your children have changed and are growing up and don't need you so much. That doesn't go away but it does alter as their lives alter and they move on

It's like the loss a lot of women feel at the menopause.

You don't have that worry anymore about getting pregnant but it is no longer your choice but something you now have to live with.

If you are still loving towards each other and can experience sex in a different form then you really are very lucky.

Yes penetrative sex is lovely, but so is life and I'd rather have my other half - miserable as he sometimes is bless him - than be mourning him (and if he's dead there isn't any penetrative sex anyway is there!)

I'm not being flippant about all this, really I'm not. I do understand that for a man this is a major deal, and it may be for some women too, but at least give the wife the benefit of your doubts and believe her.

Coincidently, I had a conversation about sex with my daughter yesterday.

Four years ago she was treated for aggressive colon cancer.

That treatment in effect "cooked" her personal bits and makes it impossible for any kind of "normal" sex. She is only 42 now so this was when she was in her late 30s.

Have they given up on each other. Not likely. She told me there's more than one way to skin a cat and she would rather be alive with "cooked" bits, enjoying what she has and what she does with that life, than mournfully remembered.

My son in law loves her deeply and has never complained that HIS life is now different too.

If you love wholeheartedly you'll put up with anything, especially when it isn't the other person's fault.

Sorry, rambling again !!

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

Email this conversation Print this conversation

Join the online community now.

Click through to become a member and gain access to support, information and real time replies.