I'm interested in conversations about and I want to talk about

Know exactly what you want?

Show search

Notification

Error

Husband who won't talk about ED

Email this conversation Print this conversation

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 00:33

Talking can get you into trouble, and not always understood, best not to.

Steve

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 06:26

read this with a lot of intrest some of my views

wife may say we need to talk

hubby knows this will upset the wife talking about

answer is for him not to talk about it then it doesnt upset the person he loves more than life

hubby finds it difficult to put into words how he feels and what he fears as men are not supposed to be afraid arent they

the shame of what is happening to him gets overwhelming

I am still doing my best to make a fuss over rlass, but I dont know what the future holds, and I have always felt that I have had some control but it feels like that has gone

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 17:12

I know several cases where having married a guy women have said on reflection they expected the men would change (more to their way of thinking) after marriage. Rarely will men change inbuilt attitude though of course marriage does sometimes call for compromises. But some ladies have subtle and persistent ways of getting their way - ask me how I know!

Barry

User

Posted 18 Jun 2015 at 12:23

SO.... Last weekend was interesting. A real up and down weekend.

Literally.

We went away with work, staying in a caravan. Not ideal, but it's what we had. On the first night away, I decided to use the change in circumstance and the alcohol consumption level to have a quick firckle around. Twenty minutes later, there was a distinct boner! Around 60%, maybe even more. It may even have been a useable one had I tried, but I thought best to concentrate on making him feel good. Any early disaster wouldn't have helped! In any event, it was a milestone, and gives us hope.

The following night was a nightmare! Because he has been working so hard, and drinking more coffee and alcohol than was wise, his bladder control was terrible, and he got very upset.

We went to see the ED nurse yesterday. She has booked him in for a course of stimulation (!!!!) which I think involves a slender tone style workout (OH- I'm SO FED UP of people putting things up my arse!!).

I have two questions for you knowledgeable people:

The nurse appears to be getting more concerned that things are not improving on the continence front, and is muttering about the 12 month mark and other options. Should we be concerned at seven months on somewhere between 2-3 pads a day? Dry at night and if he does nothing, but not so good otherwise.

With regard to the cialis - he is on 5mg daily. He asked whether this should now be upped or changed. The nurse said no- this was a maximum daily dose. She says that as the cialis takes 36 hours to leave the blood stream, the levels are topped up to more than the 5mg taken every day. This makes sense, but some on the forum have suggested this is just a medicinal dose. In our position, should we be changing drugs or staying with cialis?

Thank you

User

Posted 18 Jun 2015 at 12:41

Louise,

the best point in your post is that there was a result, so it can be done, he can have an erection, and if he can do it once, he can do it again, you and he can do it again. Really glad to read this for you both.

It may help when you next "firtle" about if he stays on his back? That way at least gravity affecting the bladder may help prevent any leakage? Put a towel down JIC.

As Lynne says Cialis is for aiding circulation to repair the damaged areas and tissues, although I have heard mention that Cialis is an event drug if taken in sufficient large quantity. Viagra is meant to be the "event" drug. Like the reaction of men to the operation, continence recovery, EF recovery and all so, so individual despite us all having the same basic ingredients interfered with in the same basic way.

Have a great weekend firstling! ;-)

atb

dave

Do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

User

Posted 18 Jun 2015 at 16:53

I had another 50%er in the shower this morning with my OH with no medication, whrereas there was nothing happening the other evening in bed. (No meds)

So what makes the difference? The water and lather, the time, standing up. I shall try a sildenafil in the next few days before breakfast and see what results from that.

Continence wise, I am still on one pad per day, which I have been now for 7 months. (op was April last year). It is improving, but very slowly. I am sure your OH will keep improving too. It just needs patience and he'll get there!

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 18 Jun 2015 at 17:46

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Sometimes I tell John that I might ... but he points out that I haven't actually had any offers in recent years :-)

There must be someone out there?

Failing any other better offers, they would ALL be better, I would offer!

;-0

Do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

User

Posted 18 Jun 2015 at 20:15

Louise

sounds like that was a major milestone and how lovely of you to make sure it was used wisely so as to avoid any potential malfunction. It sounds to me like your patience will be greatly rewarded.

I think it is still really early days for the whole continence thing, reading on here as a relative newbie there seems to be a huge difference man to man, procedure to procedure. The good thing is you are relaxed about any leakage or spurtlings that must put your OH in a much better place than some.

6F2 wow ... retirement is working out well I guess? I think sometimes a warm flow of water is a relaxing and comfortable environment so maybe it just puts you in that "nice place"

Hope everyone has a terrific weekend, I know all of us at Leicester MOS will be having a grand old party

Best wishes

User

Posted 19 Jun 2015 at 02:12

CB, are you drinking?

Louise, be very careful about asking to change from 5mg. Men all over the nation fight because they can't get access to the daily dose. What you are actually entitled to on the NHS is 1 x 20mg tablet per week so if you press for the higher dose you will go from 35mg per week (7 x 5mg) to 20mg per week. Because Cialis stays in the body for longer than Viagra, the small dose has a greater cumulative effect.

It seems to me that you risk running before you can walk, having had one half-success that most here can only dream of at 7 months post-op. But if he is that impatient, he can miss his Cialis for a couple of days and then take 3 or 4 at once to get the 'event' dose. You could also ask at the next appointment whether they would be willing to prescribe daily Cialis AND Viagra at the same time (but I only know of a couple of men that have been able to get this)

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 19 Jun 2015 at 09:10

Hi Louise ,

I did post about this before , and I don't really want any backlash. But as long as u ask ure doctor what is safe for u , you can easily purchase generic Viagra , cialis , and Levitra off the internet at londonkamagra.com. It is safe and effective and cheap. I had ED probs for a while due to testosterone replacement. And it all worked perfectly. Just check with Doc. My fave was 20mg Levitra for an event

Regards Chris

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User

Posted 19 Jun 2015 at 12:51

Thank you for your message Lyn. He's not impatient, I must have got the wrong end of the stick. I thought that someone had told me that the 5mg daily wasn't for an event, just for repair to nerves. I would prefer him to stay on the one he's got used to. In any event, we have a month's supply of Viagra that he didn't use because he was swapped to cialis.

The query is mine not his. I have got used to asking opinions on here to make sure the nurse is telling me the right things!

I think his gp will prescribe him anything he asks for at the moment, just in case it gets pointed out to him that he probably wasn't as well up on current info as he should have been!

Chris- if it comes to that, we are happy to buy our own. In fact, we volunteered to pay for the daily dose cialis, but the GP seemed happy to prescribe, and it's on a repeat!

User

Posted 20 Jun 2015 at 21:51

Yes, I probably said it! The daily dose is for the purpose of repair, but taking a few together is the same as taking one bigger one for an event.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 23 Jun 2015 at 21:16

We all experience and view life in different ways, Before my op my wife and I had some good grown up conversations about sex, the meaning of life and so on. I had my op in April, life is 95% back to normal but I can't get an erection. At the moment I and we are not bothered about this. We both agreed that if it happened we would just accept it for what it is. The 'problem' has not been an issue for either of us, We know we cannot go backwards in time, what's done is done, so we decided to just get on with our lives. Whether I or my wife will continue to be this relaxed about it, only time will tell.

User

Posted 23 Jun 2015 at 21:57

I think we do all look at life differently and experience it differently , but our views and lifestyle change enormously with our age also. For me the horror has been my wife and I losing what we had at the age of 48. I can hand on heart say we would be less distressed if we were 68 . We would have had 20 more years of lovemaking behind us. That's a hell of a long time. And a marriage 20 yrs stronger hopefully.

It just seems so unfair at our age , and indeed at any age but more so.

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User

Posted 23 Jun 2015 at 23:16

Yes, John was 50 and I was 45 - it seemed unfair. On the other hand, my brother died at the age of 27 so I guess my sister-in-law wished she could have had him till his 40s and his children wish they could remember him

Edited by member 24 Jun 2015 at 07:43 | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 24 Jun 2015 at 07:37

I agree age and years together makes a big difference in terms of changes to our sex lives. I feel sad for those diagnosed early in their and their partners lives. My OH was aged 73 and I was 63 and the thought of no more erections was more daunting I think than the actual reality. At our ages there are lots of methods of maintaining intimacy and these seem to be enough for us at this time. If Erectile function returns it will be a bonus. For me the main thing is to have him alive and well. In saying this I am sure I would have felt upset and cheated if it had occurred when we were younger . Georgina

User

Posted 24 Jun 2015 at 07:52

Louise, if he is feeling in the mood and decides to take a Viagra it is important not to take it too close to the Cialis. John always took the Cialis in the morning so on the occasions that he took a Viagra it was always in the evening and he didn't take the Cialis the next day. If he was planning on taking a Viagra later, he didn't take the Cialis that morning or the next.

Countryboy has taken both together and been fine but our ED nurse impressed on John that normally they would never allow a man to be on both prescriptions at the same time and when she closed John's case, it meant the GP could no longer prescribe both so John had to choose which to stick with.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 24 Jun 2015 at 08:03

Ok thanks Lyn. I think he will probably stick with the Cialis for the time being- it seems to be the drug of choice, and he's not an 'event' man. It wouldn't occur to him to take a tablet in advance . But I take your points on board.

It is difficult me being so much younger (12 years) than my OH, but the difficulty is for my husband not me. He thinks I shouldn't have to be putting up with the side effects and ed (his words not mine) at my age (46). Whereas I'm just glad we caught it when we did, and that he's alive and hopefully cured. As someone posted on the forum not long ago, he's alive to complain about the incontinence and the ed.

I would rather live another thirty years with him without sex than another ten years with sex. At this moment in time, he doesn't see it like that. But maybe once the incontinence gets better (fingers crossed) he will start to realise he is more fortunate than he thinks.

User

Posted 24 Jun 2015 at 08:55

It so reassures me when I hear from u ladies. Especially as I'm still stuck in hospital 10 days after op. Louise it gives me faith to hear u say at 46 u would still rather have 30 yrs with no sex. And Lyn has stood solidly by johns side right thru thick and thin. , and lovely words from Maureen and all the others. Elaine is 48 also and whilst I'm reasonably sure she will be true , she's not one for making that obvious. We men can be so destructive and as much as I'm determined to try , I know I will be distraught with ED and let it consume me , and then ultimately push her away and tell her to find a real man. I so so hope she never does that to me. It must hurt unimaginably when one is disabled effectively. Onwards and upwards hopefully xx

Edited by member 24 Jun 2015 at 09:02 | Reason: Not specified

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User

Posted 24 Jun 2015 at 09:21

Well let's try to be upbeat Chris - you might get a stonking great hard on when the beautiful nurse comes to remove your catheter - positive thinking, eh!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

Email this conversation Print this conversation

Join the online community now.

Click through to become a member and gain access to support, information and real time replies.