Teacups, my heart goes out to you. It really is a thin veneer isn’t it, and it doesn’t take much for the brittle edges to crumble. I hope H is still comfortable, it sounds like you are in peaceful surroundings. Sending you hugs. The sun has been streaming in through N’s window, I’d love for him to want to come outside with me for a bit to feel it on our faces, I wish it wasn’t so cold, he turned down the offer to swaddle him in blankets and wheel the bed out through the patio doors!
N has improved a little, no more chronic nausea and the tiredness has abated enough for him not to fall asleep mid sentence. Another blood test today to see if that is an improvement in the sodium or just him adjusting to the new low level, results tomorrow. A quiet day yesterday with the kids visiting and enjoying a game of cards together and today N and I have watched a 30 min programme on his kindle, the first time we’ve watched tv since January. These really are “making the most of it” moments, the kids are ok, as well as can be expected, finding it hard to focus but managing the necessities. I try to keep a consistency with expectations but everything is negotiable, Son came in his lunch hour today but daughter may not see N until Wednesday so I’m thinking maybe an early morning coffee with him tomorrow for 5 minutes and then a longer stay on Wednesday, or going to collect her from school early if he’s having a good day and squeezing in a visit then. After Friday’s horrible deterioration I think they need to see him as often as possible but this is really hard to balance with school.
“Discombobulated” love it, I think that is an apt description. I’m going with your “badly expressed concern” and trying to convince myself of this every time someone asks if I’m ok, which is often. Perhaps my resting face has taken on a permanently miserable/worried look, it’s exhausting keeping up N’s spirits, and the children’s and the visitors….
I do feel like I have lost the connection I had and I didn’t previously give a second thought really to how I was perceived by others at the hospice but your right, I am questioning everything that I took for granted before, staying late, going early, sleeping over, making food, coffees, washing, shaving, cleaning. I spoke to my mum and sister in law today about it and they both thought it was probably concern but agreed that it was a funny way to express it, they also suggested that maybe it was the staff who felt that I was somehow saying that they weren’t doing it right. I suppose that’s a possibility but not likely. Anyway, as long as N is happy there and he is, then it doesn’t really matter, I’ll just get on with it and think more carefully before I do stuff.
Wishing everyone a quiet night.xx