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Peoples response to being told I have prostate cancer

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User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 07:05

Lyn thanks for the response

Unfortunately in the past PCA was regarded as something all men had and died with and not from. This is so untrue but still not acknowledged even today when more men die from prostate cancer than women from breast cancer.

what is needed is some education of both men and women. Prostate cancer is a serious cancer and if advanced is a 5-10 year death sentence - the sooner this is understood the sooner responses can be more supportive i suggest.

The data below from Prostate Cancer Uk is telling as to how serious a disease this is:

There are around 11,500 prostate cancer deaths in the UK every year, that's 31 every day (2014-2016).

In males in the UK, prostate cancer is the 2nd most common cause of cancer death, with around 11,600 deaths in 2016.

Prostate cancer accounts for 13% of all cancer deaths in males in the UK (2016).

Mortality rates for prostate cancer in the UK are highest in males aged 90+ (2014-2016).

Since the early 1970s, prostate cancer mortality rates in males have increased by around a fifth (21%) in the UK.

Over the last decade prostate cancer mortality rates in males have decreased by more than a tenth (13%) in the UK.

Mortality rates for prostate cancer are projected to fall by 16% in the UK between 2014 and 2035, to 48 deaths per 100,000 males by 2035.

Prostate cancer deaths in England are not associated with deprivation.

In Europe, around 92,300 men were estimated to have died from prostate cancer in 2012. The UK mortality rate is 15th highest in Europe.

Worldwide, more than 307,000 men were estimated to have died from prostate cancer in 2012, with mortality rates varying across the world.

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 07:10

Sorry data was Cancer Research UK

I would also add

Five-year relative survival for prostate cancer ranges from more than 100% at Stage I to 30% at Stage IV for patients diagnosed during 2002-2006 in the former Anglia Cancer Network.

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 07:28

Great thread I love Lyn and Bill!!

Edited by member 12 Jun 2018 at 07:28 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 07:59

and these statistics from the American Cancer Society reinforce the message on advanced or spreading prostate cancer

-Local stage means that there is no sign that the cancer has spread outside of the prostate. This includes AJCC stage I, II, and some stage III cancers. About 4 out of 5 prostate cancers are found in this early stage. The relative 5-year survival rate for local stage prostate cancer is nearly 100%.

-Regional stage means the cancer has spread from the prostate to nearby areas. This includes mainly stage IIIB and IVA cancers. The relative 5-year survival rate for regional stage prostate cancer is nearly 100%.

-Distant stage includes stage IVB cancers – cancers that have spread to distant lymph nodes, bones, or other organs. The relative 5-year survival rate for distant stage prostate cancer is about 29%.

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 09:30

Hi Lyn

Great post....and it is a perfect example of the difference between Men-Women and what I posted before.....

Your Post:

OH's sister said: "well my father-in-law had it and he is fine now"

Womansplaining Translation: "Man Up you big baby!"

VS:

Dudebro said: "jokes about 'not being able to get it up"

Mansplaining Translation: "LOL....You are A Gay!"

See the difference there?

For a Man (not for me...since I don't care what women think....and I know the shaming tactics they constantly use) to be told BY A WOMAN to "Man Up you big baby" is offensive and hurtful....

Why don't Women see that?

Because...."Women will NEVER understand men's suffering or concerns....it is not in their solipsistic and self-centered nature."

However to be called "GAY" by one of your mates is normal, funny and shows they care....although offensively homophobic and politically incorrect.

Regards

Bill

*****Sorry to post this again Lyn...I deleted the previous one by mistake.

Edited by member 12 Jun 2018 at 09:31 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 10:46

We all seem to have the same experience, and comments made when people learn we have prostate cancer.

Let's just accept that everyone is concerned and tries to help. It's just that they dont know how best to do it, and sometimes get it wrong.

That's a lot better than being disinterested and uncaring.

My response to "its a good cancer to get" is "yes I know, and I'm a lucky chappie😉"

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 10:53

Dear all,

I'd like to give everyone a gentle reminder about the house rules for the community.

Our house rules are 'be supportive', 'be kind' and 'help us keep the community peaceful':

http://prostatecanceruk.org/get-support/using-the-online-community#house-rules

We don't want to start locking threads and issuing warnings to people about their behaviour so please can I ask for everyone to be considerate to each other and respect differing opinions.

Best wishes,
Carol

Digital Manager
Prostate Cancer UK

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 11:56

Uh-oh!.....somebody has been naughty!

Oh..wait....WHO GRASSED ME UP?

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 13:38

I sympathise with you Roger.

We have had the same thing said to us, once by our daughter who had nursed her then 13 year old son through aggressive inoperative cancer and her own aggressive bowel cancer.

To her, her dad's condition was treatable and therefore the "best" kind of cancer to have. She has since revised that opinion as her friend's dad has just died of it, leaving a wife for whom he was the main carer. She now realises that not all prostate cancers are equal.

She originally spoke through a combination of ignorance and the desire to be positive for us.

I think that a lot of people speak first without processing what they are saying or what it comes out like.

If I say to a man going through the hot flushes "join the club" it isn't intended to diminish what he is going through, rather a way of letting him know that I really DO understand what distress the hot flushes and sleepless nights caused by them mean. If I can then offer advice on what worked for me (allowing for the difference in sex and hormone imbalance) ie how to keep cool in bed, then I hope I've achieve something.

Don't bottle up your feelings, it will just make it worse.

i was going to add a reply to Bill but I don't think it necessary

To all the men on this site, be you a manly man, a big softie, a transgender person or whatever, if I reply to a post you have made where you have asked for advice or just a listening ear, I do it consciously and in the hope that I can/ have been helpful.

When I see a poster has no replies after a bit of a wait and If I don't know the answer or I'm not confident about my knowledge then I'll "bump" them in the hope that somebody else will step in.

If I thought the men on here were all woosies and needed to "man up" then I wouldn't bother would I?

Believe it or not (and I am aware that there are quite a few men on here with very supportive wives and partners) as wives and partners we have a very difficult line to tread.. We need to support, encourage and occasionally get tough.

Those of us other halves that do that are the ones who love and care and the men on the receiving end are the lucky ones because they have us fighting alongside our men.

I've been one of the lucky ones in that John didn't need the HT or had a life changing operation. Doesn't mean I can't empathise with those men who have or their wives and partners who share all that those things entail.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 15:32

Until my operation and subsequent recurrence, I used to get annoyed by the idiocies, insanities and inanities being perpetrated at each end of the various (overlapping) social, cultural, gender, economic, political (or whatever) spectra.

Afterwards, I took a long look at what was important and realised that letting go of what was out of my control (and in the main was the extreme and exception in hindsight) was far healthier and less stressful. I am trying to concentrate on what I can control, which is my diet, my lifestyle, my thoughts, feelings and whatnot. It is early days but I feel that it is the start of a positive journey that I may not even had made where it not for this bloody disease.

To use a metaphor that I am very confident Bill understands...

The people in the matrix are not the enemy. The enemy is Prostate Cancer AKA Agent Smith. The best weapon we have is to remain positive and act positive to ourselves and others. I know damn well that stress and negative thinking played a huge part in my initial diagnosis and recurrence. I won't let being angry at myself or others have the same negative effect it did before. If someone pisses me off, I either nod and smile or if it stresses me then and there, I go away and reflect on it until it no longer does.

To refer to another great film - "be excellent to each other".

Edited by member 12 Jun 2018 at 15:36 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 12 Jun 2018 at 15:57

I think there can be a tendency to belittle Pca. It irritates me a bit and I started a thread about this and related issues quite recently. It is clearly a problem in terms of getting people to take the disease seriously and the excellent work done by this organisation is helping. The death every 45 minutes slogan is useful stuff and the fact that it is now the third most deadly cancer has had wide coverage.

If I could sum up Joe Public's attitude (I find men no different from women in this regard) it's something like this:

1) Only old men get it and they've had their life anyway.

2) If you do get it it takes a long time to kill you.

Those of us with a family history of the disease know better. My mum lost both her husbands to PCa - my Dad dying at 57.

So more power to prostatecancer.uk - their work is changing perceptions and helping with getting more research.

User

Posted 13 Jun 2018 at 07:18

Hi Johsan

Great post…and also a fantastic example of what I’m trying to convey!

“…If I say to a man going through the hot flushes "join the club" it isn't intended to diminish what he is going through, rather a way of letting him know that I really DO understand what distress the hot flushes and sleepless nights caused by them mean….”

When you tell a chemically castrated man (that thinks about dying 24-7)…"Join the club" after he told you about his hot flushes….what precisely was the reaction you expected?

Did you expect him to NOT listen to the words you SAID but instead understand YOUR intention for saying it?

Let me flip the script here…..

Scene 1

Part 1

Lady (Miss. Robinson…..mid forties) meeting male millennial co-worker (Mr BluePill) at Starbucks for a coffee.

Miss Robinson: “I’m so upset…..I stopped having my “Ladies Time” last month….”

At this point Mr.BluePill is in panic mode…trying to remember what happened last month…

But then he realises that he is NOT going to be a baby daddy….when THESE WORDS come out of his mouth:

Mr BluePill: "Well my grandmother went through the same thing and she is fine now"

************************************

You see….Mr BluePill did not say these words to be nasty…..his single mom raised him to be sensitive and caring.

He did not intend to diminish what she is going through, rather a way of letting her know that he really DOES understand how distressful….(being a single lady in her mid-forties…and no kids) can be!

After all His MEANING and INTENTION is what counts is it not?.....Nope.

But of course no man (that wants to remain employed…and out of jail) would EVER say THAT to a female co-worker…or any other woman!

Why? Because he was well trained and domesticated from a young age to put a woman’s feelings and well being…above his own.

Walking on egg-shells around women (especially now) is what most men do….and when they fail…they will pay a heavy price for it!

Sleeping on the Couch is the punishment married man get after behaving like Insensitive Bas***ds!

If however you are a woman….men are simply suppose to “get it” that the “Meaning” of what you said (not the words) are important….. and they should just Man up!

If one is put on a Pedestal from a young age (women)…caring for the feelings of those beneath (men)…. is not natural.

So…..when a woman (from her sacred pedestal) tells a guy to “Man Up you big baby” or “Stop whinging…this is not so bad”….they may as well give him a rope and tell him to go and F** himself…and they are.

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