Dear Debby,
I am so sorry to read your post. Please don’t apologise for ranting - I hope it helps you to tell us and to write it down, and we understand. I remember being in a similar situation when things accelerated fast at the end of my husband’s life, and feeling I needed someone to explain what had happened and why. And going over and over in your mind what has happened is perfectly normal.
Have you a doctor you trust to talk to? Someone involved enough to explain the last few weeks and days? I ask because this really helped me. I was tortured by what had happened, why and wondering whether I could have prevented it. Although painful, and grief takes its own time,I eventually found comfort in realising the extent of the damage to Mike’s body by the cancer and by some of the treatments. The quick pace it happened at the end was kinder to him than a longer period of suffering. And only looking backwards could I realise how ill and near the end of his life he had been. But initially it isn’t easy to realise for those of us who are loved ones and left alone with the shock and reality of our loss.
In Mike’s situation I believe there were similarities towards the end - Mike actually had very weakened and damaged stomach walls in addition to the very advanced cancer which we hadn’t really processed properly, or talked about. And like you, the day to day focus was dealing with the current issue of bleeding, medication, finding a wheelchair and other such things that you are suddenly responsible for. I now realise how grateful I am that Mike didn’t suffer for longer, that we hadn’t the chance to talk about it but the thought process took time.
I think it may help you to discuss with the Specialist Nurses from the PCUK site, 0800 074 8383, they are really good and understand where our family, friends and even the professionals involved in our loved ones care often don’t. Would it help to see if your GP or local hospice can arrange counselling? It isn’t for everyone but does help some.
Please take care of you, the shock of your loss and your carer’s role take their toll on your health so please be as gentle as you can with yourself. And remember we are here to help if we can.
Love Janet, x