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Frightened.....

User
Posted 23 May 2016 at 21:57

Thinking of you all. It's so hard for you to watch your dad like this. 


Big hugs


Rosy

User
Posted 23 May 2016 at 22:07

The answer is in your writing - dad has had enough now and is preparing to let go. As hard as it is to face these coming days and weeks, there will be a time in the future when knowing that - knowing that this was no life, that his situation had wearied him beyond imagining and he had in the end still retained some control over this horrid disease - will give you some comfort and strength.

Things to ask? What support is available if he (and your mum) wish him to die at home? Is there a night sitter service? If you didn't get round to applying for the disability/terminal illness benefits & disabled parking badge, now is the time - the nurse can probably point you in the right direction. And is there a local day care centre that dad could possibly visit - many find great comfort in the alternative therapies and other services offered. There may also be counselling, aromatherapy etc for you and mum?

Don't forget to look after yourself while you look after everyone else.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
User
Posted 24 May 2016 at 23:58

Thank you all so much for your kind words and guidance. 


The Hospice nurse who looks after Dad, was lovely - wow these ladies & gentleman really are something special, she showed such kindness to us all today - which is such a great support.  She was patient and professional and I could tell my Dad was happy with her and has known her for a while now so that's also nice - she talked about visiting her son in Australia which made me reminisce with Dad about our trip to Oz when I was 18, I tagged along to my parents 25th wedding anniversary present to each other which was a trip to OZ :)


So.


The hospital bed needs to go downstairs as this will be better for Mum, so Dad isn't stuck upstairs.  Debbie (the nurse) said Dad is very very poorly now and even the short walk on his crutches to the downstairs loo is way to much for him (he can barley do it), she explained to Dad that he is very very sick and that there isn't much point doing another blood transfusion as it won't really help him now as she thinks he is too weak to even leave the house to have it and doesn't want added pressure on him.


She talked about staff coming to help Mum, and night sitters (for when they are needed), she asked Dad how he finds showering and he was honest and said it's too much for him, although he just sits in it (it has chair) and mum does all the washing - so I think this is going to stop and washing from the bed will happen.


Medication and pain relief got sorted, as apparently Dad will need it injected eventually.  She asked my darling Dad about resuscitation - to which he said he didn't want that.


I said we don't want a 'time' but, always a but eh? My Siblings and I are thinking we still have many months, are we right to think this and she said no, seeing your Dad today he is very poorly and you may only have weeks now. (this was not in the same room as my Dad as she thought it best to let him rest). Tough to hear.  She said Dad is very vague and off in the distance somewhere (sometimes, not all the time), but he's not really sure of what is going on around him.  He knows who we all are, and still cracks the odd joke but today he tried to stand up because he said 'the bloke in the room told him to go and move his car' it was only me in the room. 


Dad cried today a few small tears, I think it's the first time i've seen him cry apart from at his Dads funeral when I was 18 (I'm 39 now) at our weddings. He held my hand and asked us 'if he's done okay' and he's sorry it's all happening so soon. Wow done okay!!, he is simply the bravest person I've ever known 6 years of stage 4 advance prostate cancer, so many treatments, and operations, metal rods, spinal cord compression, ulcers - he's dealt with it all and never moaned. 


We shared the news with my Sister and Brother and have all been together today.


I love him so so much - words cannot ever emphasize my love for him, and how wonderful he has made our lives, but I'm actually ready to let  him be at peace now and I don't want him to suffer anymore.


Hard to say that as of course I also want every second I can will him - thank goodness I live 5mins away, I go daily and annoy him (we laugh about this, as I am forever turning up at their house, morning, noon or night) he likes really he says he misses my voice as it's so bloody quiet once i've gone.  


I'm really sorry for my long essay....


The journey isn't quite over yet, but every minute and second you have to be with the ones you love is truly the greatest gift we have... treasure life, love, family and friendship and we will all always be okay.. x

User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 06:26
I think that you and your family are wonderful. Your Dad is very lucky to have so many caring folk around him. I feel for you too and really hope you can enjoy as much time with him as possible.

Take good care of yourselves ,

Best wishes ,

John
User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 06:41

hey up cat
the story you tell of your dad must have been so difficult, your love for him leaps from the words, mam has a wonderful family to look after her, and don't forget to look after your self over the coming weeks, do not apologise for long essays

regards and hugs
nidge

run long and prosper
'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'
User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 07:03
Cat

Dad is blessed to have such a loving family around him. Look after yourselves.

Thanks Chris
User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 07:22

I've shed tears for you this morning cat and believe me ~i don't do that very often.

Strange to say but I'm glad you've reached that stage, where it's better to let go than hang on to hope.. It will make it easier for you.

Again, nothing much anyone here can do for you, except be here, and you know that already.

My best wishes to you all

Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 13:25

I felt so sad for you and your family when I read this. It is like a rerun of my husband's last weeks. Spend as much time with him as you can and make sure you all look after each other.


With big hugs


Rosy

User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 14:00

Hi Cat
I'm very new on here but having been reading your story with tears running down my face, Your dad seems such a lovely person and so VERY brave as are you, you should all be so proud of each other,
Take care of yourself
Viv 🙏🏼

The only time you should look back is to see how far you have come
User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 14:41

Wow, Thank you all so much for your comments and love.


I have spent this morning with Mum (and Dad) calling their many friends and letting them know the situation we are now at with Dad. Most difficult being my Uncle, Dads Brother who lives in Australia, it's mentally draining for my Mum repeating the same information and listening to people cry and ask if they can visit. Dad bluntly told his Uncle 'that's it now Brother i'm sorry but I'm dying I shall just go to sleep soon' it really is like my Dad knows this coming.  I asked him if he was okay, or scared he said no babe, I just want you all to be okay to which I said how much we all love him, proud we are, what a great life he's given us etc and that he's not to worry and rest now when he needs to.


Dad sadly is so much worse today, I didn't think 1 day - well actually only 14 hours since I last saw him, could be such a difference, but it really is.


Today Dad hasn't been able to get out of bed, he is in pain. He is sad, he looks very poorly, he only managed two teaspoons of yogurt. Mum has been up all night checking on him, after a few accidents, the nurse is coming to fit a cafeta 


He kept telling me he loved me and that I wasn't to leave his room without kissing him (as if I would) I always give a zillion kisses, he said the same to my Mummy. He asked where my Brother and Sister were and why they hadn't come to see him. He seems to have no idea of time/day etc I explained they were there  yesterday (my Sis) and only a couple of days ago (my Bro) but he kept asking me after them. He also told me I would be okay.


I watched him sleep, I laid next to him a cuddled him, I shed a few tears watching this beautiful man I know so so well, getting more distant.(in a way he's preparing us, normally he would cuddle me until the cows come home, but he doesn't really want too many cuddles now - he's in pain :(


I told my Mum my fears at how worse he seemed and maybe i"m over imaging things, but I felt it right for me to tell both my siblings to pop by today if they could - I fear we don't even have weeks now. 


I went to the chemist for bed pads, went to the Doctors to explain that we need a doctor to home visit Dad today, as the Hospice nurse said sadly a Doc must see him in this condition to make the end process smoother.


Then I went and met some dear friends for a birthday lunch on me, and we shared some wine. I nearly cancelled but it's odd how doing something normal has helped me. I will pick up my babies 5 & 2 soon and they will make today happier for me, my little bright sparks.  Children have a wonderful tendency to make the darkest of days brighter - my girls are my strength. I don't know if they will get to see my Dad again, (heart breaking as they adore him) but he's too poorly for them to visit him at the moment.


Tomorrow I must go to work, and my Hubs is going to help my Mum throughout the day.


Catherine x


 

User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 14:57

Hi Cat
I can't say anything more than my thoughts are with you and I admire your love and strength and support for your father and family. Sending love and wishes
Chris


If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade
User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 15:07

You made me cry reading this. It sounds as though all of you, including your dad, have accepted that the end is near. In many ways this makes things easier as you are able to say your goodbyes and to say the things that you want to. 


Make sure you get the pain control sorted - hopefully the doctor will have done this but don't hesitate to call your hospice team at any time, night or day, for advice on what he can have. Then just try to make the most of the remaining time you have.


Lots of love


Rosy

User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 15:08

Sadly, I think your instincts are probably right and that it may be days rather than weeks. The human body seems to have an uncanny ability to prepare and then let go once the mind and spirit are peaceful and it does seem from your writing that dad is at peace with his situation.

Whatever happens next, he will still hear your voice long after he stops speaking and he will still feel you touch him lovingly long after he can hug you back. Stay strong

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 17:42

Oh Cat, I don't know what to say. I pray that your Dad's passing on will be calm and serene for both him and all his loved ones.


David

User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 18:23
Dear Cat,
Your post is that of a loving daughter, my thoughts are with you all at this time. Lyn is right, often the last sense we loose is our hearing.

You will be in my thoughts.

Leila xx
User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 20:48

Hi Cat, so sorry that the time is so near for all of you. Your dad will be out,of pain soon and will always be part of your hearts and memories, I have read your postings since February and they have touched me so much as to what a lovely person you are, the way that you have helped and cared for your mum as well,as your dad is remarkable.

You are strong but will have to stay strong cherish every moment that you can take from this.

My thoughts are with you all at this sad time

Chris/Woody

Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint

User
Posted 25 May 2016 at 21:05
I am so sorry to read about where Dad is right now, you are doing all you can, he must be very proud, take care. Kev

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User
Posted 26 May 2016 at 21:27
Cat
You are a brave and wonderful daughter, you will never regret spending this time with your mum and dad, one day you will look back on it and smile (not at the bad bits, but the brain is amazing and will tend to let those go so that only the love remains). It's good you have some "normal" life to balance this out a bit, you can't be sad for too long with tiny people to care for, that's a blessing.

My heart goes out to you and your lovely family.

With love
Allison xxxxx
User
Posted 26 May 2016 at 21:52

Me again.

So today I worked from him but at my Mum & Dads house so I could keep an eye on Dad while Mum popped out to run some errands.

I wasn't prepared for having to cope with other peoples emotions though, nothing could have prepared me for that. Today my Dads cousin came and her husband, my Dad and her are very close they are like Sister and Brother as the grew up together - she totally broke down, several times. Then 2 of my parents closest friends came, one my Dad went to primary school with, they too both fell to pieces - their daughter who is my age also came - she burst out crying as soon as I opened the front door. Then my Aunt from Australia called and i had to have her on loud speaker and hold the phone for my Dad whilst she said her goodbyes.

All these emotions and tears, people grieving for someone who is still here but sadly also not so with it today. No one got upset in front of Dad but I wasn't prepared for the love people have for him to just keep pouring out. Mum and I had to try to be strong for them all, it was bloody hard...

Dad, didn't really know what was going on, he slept all day, didn't want to eat, and was a bit of a Grump. He told me to go away twice (I don't mind) I know he doesn't mean it - he is very spaced out now.

Mum needs help now as Dad won't let her change his clothes and he's too big for her to manage by herself.

My Brother is coming Fri- Sun to help with Dad & hopefully give Mum a chance to sleep as she's not sleeping.

At Christmas my Dad came shopping with me as he wanted to buy my Mum a Pandora bracelet, it was hard for him back then on his crutches - only to be told what he wanted was sold out. He had always planned to take Mum shopping to get this special bracelet and charm he had chosen, but they never got to the shops together. So today I went out and got what he had chosen and my Sister and I took it up to Dad & tried to explain we had got the bracelet for him to give to Mum. I hope we did the right thing, Mum got very upset. My Dad wanted Mum to have it so much and we wanted to make this little wish true for him and her. A perfect solid gold heart on a lovely chain. Something hopefully that in the next months with give comfort when she wears it.

I'm going to my parent house again tomorrow, to help Mum - so not sure what to expect. More visitors and hopefully not a stroppy pants Daddy :)

x

User
Posted 27 May 2016 at 05:31

Sorry that you had such an emotionally draining day cat, but you can't stop people grieving. It is an extra burden for you but I'm afraid one that you have to shoulder. People don't stop to think how it affects you. Other peoples' grief when you are struggling with your own can be very very tiring.

What a lovely gesture to make for your dad and I'm sure that mum will always love that bracelet. Even if he wasn't physically able to go and get it the fact that it was the one chosen by him will mean a lot.

Good luck today. I know you will be as strong as you have to be.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
 
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